Honoring War Veterans

On May 22, the Remember our Heroes group hosted a memorial service for Veterans who commit suicide. It was at the Lubbock War Memorial http://www.americanlegionpost575.org/lubbock-area-veterans-war-memorial.  It was well attended and it was a moving ceremony.

One of the few statistics they mentioned was that most Veterans who commit suicide are in their 50's or older. They related this to some Veterans who were in Vietnam, but not exclusively. And they acknowledged that there are many others who also commit suicide.

One of my maternal uncles committed suicide: Edward Crochier was my godfather http://www.ancestry.com/genealogy/records/edward-crochier_27468357. He died when I was 18, and away at college. I remember calling home in the middle of the week (usually my calls home were on weekends, because the rates were cheaper during the weekend day.  But sometimes, I called home late on a week night, or even during the times when the rates were more expensive in the early evenings on a week night.) My mother was guarded when she asked why I called, and said she was going to wait until we talked on the weekend, to tell my about my uncle's death.  I could not get home in time for the funeral.

The blessing was that we had a pastor who was immensely ingrained with the ecumenism and liberalism of Vatican II https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Vatican_Council. He told my family about the "assumption of remorse," the sense that someone who attempts suicide, and is successful actually is remorseful for their act before they die, but too late to save themselves.  My uncle was buried in a consecrated cemetery and his military service was acknowledged.

This is all vague to me.  I remember that my mother's brothers were in the military, but I thought they were all just in the Korean War.  Apparently, my Uncle Eddie, and maybe his brothers, were in World War II. I know my paternal Uncle Voss was in World War II.  If we asked him about the war, he said "I went to San Diego" or "I was in England."  He would not talk about the war. After he died, we found a letter of commendation to him from Admiral Nimitz for his service during D-Day!

I have no real idea why my Uncle Eddie committed suicide. I know he had physical pain, that my mother related to his work as a painter: he hurt his back and was in ongoing pain. I wonder how much of his pain was also emotional from the war. I will never know. I know he had problems with alcohol. All this happened in an era when the emotional and psychological impact of war was not recognized.

I am only grateful that due to the mercy of our pastor, my uncle can be honored as a war hero. 

A Confluence of Ideas

I am working with a patient who claims to be severely depressed.  Yet he exhibits no vegetative changes: no change in appetite, sleep, or energy level.  He does not have crying spells.  When he is interviewed, he laughs, and smirks, and is otherwise upbeat.  He does not express any sense of hopelessness, helplessness or loss of self worth. He is not forgetful, not confused, or otherwise does not have thought or memory problems.

He is, however, very dissatisfied with his current circumstances in life.  He is hoping to get something that he will probably not get. And he is angry about that.

I had the thought, the last time I interviewed him, that he was not depressed. That he was disappointed, angry, unhappy, but not depressed. 

I won a book:  Finding My Way  by John Schneider, http://www.survivorresources.org/?page_id=70 about grief and loss, a few weeks ago as a door prize at a seminar.  I have it at work, and I am slowly reading it as I have a few minutes, here and there.

It starts with talking about the medicalization of grief and loss, but that these are natural emotions and feeling that have to be experienced, not avoided, that have to be gotten through.  The premise is that medication provides avoidance, delay, but not resolve. I believe this wholeheartedly, and I try to teach it to my patients.  It is normal, usual and typical to feel bad about bad things. That we cannot and should not medicate away bad feelings when we are experiencing bad things. That we need to go through the experience and get beyond it. That the bad feeling will be always with us, but will not always be debilitating, and we will move on to a new place in life where we accept that loss and we live on.

It is interesting to me that the confluence of these two experiences and ideas are so close in my life. These are not new ideas to me, but they are being re-enforced at this time.  Hmmm.

Watching Movies

I do not go to watch movies in movie theaters often, but I went January 1, 2014 to see Saving Mr Banks http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2140373/.  This is the story of Walt Disney negotiating with Mrs. P J Travis for the rights to do Mary Poppins http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058331/.  It has its sad moments, but over all, I thought it was a very good feel good movie.  And Tom Hanks, as usual, was amazingly wonderful, this time as Walt Disney.

While I am familiar with the movie Mary Poppins I was not familiar with the books, nor with the story of creating the movie.

I loved "the culture" of the Disney Enterprises:  first names, lots of comfort food, and informal working conditions, as well as showering Mrs. Travis with all kinds of Disney memorabilia.  It was great.

My favorite character in the movie was Ralph, the chauffeur, played by Paul Giamatti http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0316079/?ref_=tt_cl_t6. 

I loved the hairstyles of the women, the clothes, the glasses, the Disney "stuff."  These are the trappings of my childhood and brought back wonderful warm memories for me. 

I cried through much of the movie. Some tears of sadness, but mostly tears of connectedness.  I suspect some people will think this movie was hokey or corny, but I really enjoyed it.  From the sniffles I heard, I was not the only one who cried. 

And interestingly enough, most people sat through most of the credits.  The credits were interesting.  This was based on a totally true story. So, the credits showed a picture of the "real" person, and the name of the actor who played that person. What a great way to show credits!

Before the feature started, as I watched the previews for upcoming movies, I was struck by the movie Heaven is For Real http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1929263/.  A coworker recently told me about this book, Heaven is For Real http://heavenisforreal.net/ which is a true story about a small boy who has a near death experience.  I had sort of put this book on the back burner of my "want to read list" but did not make it a priority. That has changed.

I was talking to a friend today, and told her about this book and movie.  She told me her husband has the book, and thought it was a really good read.  So it is now definitely on my must read list.

In the mid 1970's, there was a priest who filled in at our parish and his sermon was about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' work On Death and Dying http://www.ekrfoundation.org/.   This was before I decided to become a social worker. But I read her book, and read many other books about death and dying.  I already had decided that when people died, there was an afterlife which was a better place so while we miss our loved ones, we would see them in the next world, in a better state.  I still firmly believe this.  So, dealing with death and dying of humans was something that I have had a peace with.  This has helped me with my social work career.  Most recently, that discussion has come up with my co-workers, and we have shared stories that re-enforce our belief in life after life.

I still have death and dying issues regarding pet animals, although those have lessened over the years, mostly because I have decided that our pets also have an after life in Heaven, as do our beloved humans.

Anyway, Heaven is For Real is on my list to see as a movie and read as a book. 

I am also waiting for Labor Day http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1967545/ to be released on January 31, 2014. This movie, filmed in 2012, in part in communities close to my home town, is based on a book Labor Day by Joyce Maynard.  I followed the news clips about the filming and read the book.  I do not understand why they did not target national opening for the Labor Day holiday weekend.  But they did not.  However, it has been released at various film festivals.

I am so not a movie goer.  Over the years, there have been movies that I have thought I wanted to see, but did not go to the movie theater to see, and then never followed up with. For a while, I had a Netflix https://signup.netflix.com/ subscription.  But, because I did not watch the movies sent to me in a timely way, I decided I did not get my money's worth by having a Netflix subscription. Someday, I may want to reconsider this, but for now, I can access movies and books through the library, and I do not feel I need to access Netflix,or any other movie service.

Movies are good.  Introspection indicates to me that I have a preference for movies that are based on a true story, while I know that even those movies take a lot of "artistic license."

I have, however, started going to the movie theater more:  If there is a movie I really want to see, I do not rely on the library to make it available. I just go to watch the movie.

I am thankful I have so many options regarding watching movies.  

My Heart is Heavy

My heart is heavy.  I grew up in Western Massachusetts, and only own Boston in a peripheral sort of way, but I own its sports, legend, and history deep in my heart.  The Boston Marathon http://www.baa.org/ is an icon in the world of sports. My heart is heavy at the terrorism attack that occurred at the finish line of the race on 4-15-13.

I am not sure what news source to site regarding what happened at the 2013 Boston Marathon, so I will go with The Boston Globe http://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2013/04/16/some-areas-downtown-boston-reopen-today-boston-marathon-bombing-investigation-continues/qTROe6L0b98qRl9W7dnWiJ/story.html. 

I was at work when I Iearned of the bombings.  One of the security officers told me about it.  As I moved about the building, the staff were able to keep me posted of the latest results.  As I finished my patient rounds, I made my way to my office and turned on the radio.  When I do office work, I do not usually listen to the radio, but for this, I did.  Many of my coworkers, Monday and Tuesday, recalling my Massachusetts roots, expressed condolences, and asked about my family.  I think they really "got it" that the bombing was to be mourned, for its heinousness.

Monday, I went home after work, and after tending to chores, spent an evening watching the news. I was horrified, sickened, mortified, and hopeful.

The hopeful part of me was because of the stories of people who helped, runners who went to donate blood, restaurants that fed people for free, the many people who offered to help, to open their homes to people who were stranded.

Boston is a sports town. Monday was Patriot's Day, and part of the traditional celebration, in addition to the Boston Marathon, is the Red Sox home game at Fenway Park, early in the day.  So, it was finished by the time the bombs went off. The Red Sox were on the bus on the way to the airport before things shut down.  http://boston.redsox.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20130416&content_id=44976856&vkey=news_bos&c_id=bos.  At their Tuesday game, they recognized the tragedy.

The Boston Bruins http://bruins.nhl.com/ Monday night home game was postponed, the Celtics http://www.nba.com/celtics/?SR=SearchNBA_GXUS__NBA.com_Boston_Celtics home game on Tuesday was postponed http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/2013/04/15/security-at-sports-venues-after-boston-blast/2085755/

Tuesday, many baseball teams offered a solidarity tribute to Boston by playing "Sweet Caroline" the Fenway Park "anthem."  This includes the New York Yankees ttp://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=26326395&topic_id=8878548&c_id=nyy. Neil Diamond responded with acknowledgements:  https://twitter.com/NeilDiamond. 

Tuesday, there was a vigil on the Boston Common. Three people were killed, hundreds were injured. They were recognized at the vigil. 

So, I have focused on the sports aspect of this tragedy.  It is a defense.  And because the tragedy occurred at a sports event, and little else was known.

April 15th is celebrated as Patriot's Day http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patriots'_Day.  There are some thoughts that the bombings were making a statement about Patriot's Day.  But, as far as I have heard tonight, no one has come forward to claim this.

I cannot imagine the devastation and destruction caused by these bombings.  President Obama addressed this and the resources devoted to try to find the answers about these bombings http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-250_162-57579706/obama-on-boston-bombings-we-will-find-out-who-did-this/

The  devastation and destruction is the kind that occurs at war.  Is the United States at war?  We have troops throughout the world, and many are engaged in combat of some sort. But no warring faction has claimed responsibility for these bombings.

I do not know what to think about the perpetrators of this attack. I have to wonder why, and what statement they wanted to make. I have to wonder if they were trying to save someone, including themselves. But, it seems, more likely, they were protesting something, but have not enunciated their cause.

What human tragedy this is.  It is senseless and useless.  What ever it was intended to do, it unified and solidified the community spirit of Boston.

Who Would Do This? And Why?

We were out kayaking tonight. It was a beautiful night. We went to the east or dam end of the lake, and on the dam, were probably 80 dead, rotting and fly covered fish.  They were not long dead, and there was a place on the dam where water had splashed up, maybe from a net being dragged up on the dam.

This was very tragic and sad to see.  Why would someone catch all those fish, and let them lie to rot?  Who would do such a thing?  I can guess. Not my favorite thing to think about.

This kind of disregard and disrespect for life is distressing to me.  I do not understand it, and I find it very heartbreaking. This kind of action indicates that the perpetrator has no concept of stewardship of living things, of nature.

There was nothing we could do.  The fish were dead.  I am sorry.

Distance in Death

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross did the pioneering work on "Death and Dying."  I remember hearing a sermon at a Catholic Mass about her research, and being fascinated, and having to read the book.  It was one of the events in my life that steered me into social work.

Dr. Kubler Ross identified 5 stages or phases of grief:  denial, bargaining, depression, anger and acceptance.   Over the years, I have used her information to help clients deal with death, in my social work profession. 

Some years ago, I was stricken by the suicidal death of a coworker, not even a close acquaintence.  I called our Employee Assistance Program, and was connected to a very empathic counselor, who almost word for word, gave me the speech I was used to giving to clients who were dealing with death and dying issues.  Before the counselor gave me the speech, he had enough information about me to know who I was and what I did.  When he finished the speech, I was smiling and he could tell, when I said to him "You gave me the speech I give to my clients."

He acknowledged that, and, the fact that when, we as human beings, not counselors, deal with death and dying, we need to hear the same speech. 

I was reminded of this tonight, when I was speaking to a dear friend going through her own issues at the loss of a dear pet.  I hope she does not find distress in the comments I will make, but comfort in the awareness that there are so many lessons to be learned from our lives and our sorrows.

I had an epiphany of sorts tonight:  This has nothing to do with diminishing my cherished friend's very deep grief and loss.  I am so sorry for her loss, and having known her pet, miss him myself, although we barely knew each other.

The epiphany for me, however, has to do with my life.  My ex-husband and I had a nice house with an interesting back yard that my beloved Mack enjoyed.  Before our divorce, my ex-husband and I sold the house and moved into a duplex with a postage stamp of a yard that was so boring. 

I did a few things to make it better:  plant a honeysuckle and feed the birds.  But, eventually, I bought a house. I looked at the house on a Sunday with the realtor, and took Mack to look at it on a Monday.  He did not want to get back in the car: it was his house.   And so, it was.  I bought the house, and put in a doggie door for Mack, which provided him free access to the back yard.

I called the house Mack's house; I even called one bathroom Mack's bathroom because he liked to lay on the floor, and I kept a water dish in there.

Life became convoluted, and I was in a strange relationship and Mack and I lived in his house and in the country.  After many years, Mack's life gave out, and he was put to rest.  I continued in the relationship that had me living in the country.  I truly, sorely, sorrily mourned for Mack, but realize that the relationship that had me living in the country took the edge off, so I would not "go off the deep end."

The relationship ended, and when I returned to the house in town, it was no longer "Mack's house" and "Mack's bathroom" in my mind.  What a life saving that relationship was, to give me the distance I needed to deal with Mack's death.

When I was in it, and when I was in the pain of breaking up, I could not see it.  But painfully, clearly tonight, I could recognize how important that relationship was to me, to allow me to deal with the loss of my dear friend, Mack.