Being Distant Does Not Mean Being Different

 A member of my extended family is nearing the end of her life. She is very brave, and through Face book, has kept us apprised of her circumstances.  We have not been close in our adult lives, but we are still related.

This situation reminds me that although we may be geographically distant, that does not mean that we should separate our hearts.  Geography knows no bounds when love is involved.

This situation also reminds me that being different is a kind of separation.  But, being different should not separate our hearts.  Indeed, being different is not a reason to separate our hearts, but is a reason to recognize our differences, and more importantly, recognize and rejoice in our similarities. 

Shutting Off The World

I try to stay connected and available to the many facets of my life that interact with other people.  I try to read and respond to emails in a timely way.  I try to respond to phone messages in a timely way.  I try to be available to work on South Plains Branch NASW projects as needed.  I try to be available as a board member of Catholic Charities, Diocese of Lubbock.

But sometimes, I am not interested in being interactive: I just want to shut off the world, and not have to be responsive or responsible: I want to read, listen to music, watch a DVD, blog, journal, or just "veg out."  Exercising at Covenant Hospital Lifestyle Center http://www.covenanthealth.org/Our-Services/LifeStyle-Centre.aspx helps.

Sometimes, shutting off the world is very important to me. It is restorative.  It is relaxing. It just helps me to get in touch with me and helps me to get back in balance.  So, if I "drop out" that may be what is happening.

The CIA and Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

So, what I get out of the statements from the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)   John Brennan http://www.cnn.com/2014/12/11/politics/john-brennan-defends-cia-after-torture-report/index.html is that he is acknowledging that there were inappropriate interrogation techniques, but they resulted in information that was useful in protecting our country.  So, he is saying that the ends justified the means. 

You and I know that that is not right. The ends do not justify the means. I understand that the nation was freaked out by the 9/11/2001 attacks, but since when did we become amoral?  Even in the face of these attacks.  When other countries around us remained level headed and moral? 

It is my hope that my nation never stoops to this sort of amoral behavior again.  However, we have a lot of cleaning up to do in regards to race relations, and some of that borders on, or maybe is amoral.  Hmmm.

Being Noticed

In August, I started going to the Covenant Lifestyle Center http://www.covenanthealth.org/Our-Services/LifeStyle-Centre.aspx to continue with physical therapy exercise routines in the pool that were helping me with pain management with bulging discs and sciatica. I am a true introvert.  I can be outgoing if I need to in a professional or public situation.  But, I am content to stay to myself.

Well, shortly after I started, one day a book club member showed up, and introduced me to one of her friends.  Her friend has introduced me to others.  I have also  taken up superficial conversations with a few "regulars."  And some have taken up conversations with me.

Because I am trying to focus on timing my routines (I probably should bring a timer, I keep thinking about it), I avoid a lot of conversation, because it distracts me and I lose track of time. 

Well, one of the regulars that I have chatted with was there tonight. And commented that he had not seen me recently. And he was right. I missed a session on Sunday when my sinus infection really had me down, and did not want to spend my session in the pool sneezing, blowing my nose and coughing.

It made me feel good that someone noticed my absence.  It is  a small thing, but it is nice not to go unnoticed. 

Laundry

I was planning to finish the laundry a few minutes ago.  I wanted to watch TV, and put the laundry baskets and clothes hangers in the living room.  I did some, but then Haiku climbed into the basket, burying herself in the clothes.

I have spent the weekend bowing to the wishes of the cats.  Sitting with them, playing yarn with them, and petting them.  Today, I was getting ready to sit outside, and Sake came and sat by me. I wanted to go out, but I wanted to stay by her. I did .

I am so glad I spend time with my cats.

Why Do I Care ?

I was watching the Tonight Show http://www.nbc.com/the-tonight-show/ and some starlette or actress or beautiful body woman was talking about her relationship with an ex-boyfriend who was cheating on her. I did not recognize the woman, and did not recognize the boyfriend's name, and I asked myself "Why do I care?"  And the reality is, I do not. So I shut off the television.

I used to be more discriminatory about what I watched on TV. After I stopped subscribing to the Lubbock Avalanche Journal http://lubbockonline.com/ this year, because of their outlandishly overpriced subscription costs, I have started watching more local and national news on TV, and paying attention to TV shows that might have bearing on today's culture. 

But this show did nothing for me.  Actually, a lot of the news shows I watch do nothing for me.  I used to tell people that I got my news on The Weather Channel http://www.weather.com/.  Well, guess what, that is still the truth. I trust The Weather Channel more than I trust most news sources. The second source of news I trust the most is ESPN http://espn.go.com/.  Of course, part of that is because I like sports so much. But they also report the social implications of sports, and are more factual and less biased than many "news" channels.  I also listen to NPR http://www.npr.org/ on my way to work in the morning, all work days, and most work days, on my way home from work at night. So, I feel I get a good smattering of what is happening in the world.  

I also check my home town newspaper online Monday through Saturday. I get headlines from the Austin Statesman http://www.statesman.com/ and The New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/ in my email inbox. So, I try to follow the news locally, nationally,and internationally.

And, if there is a "breaking story" I search out the best media source to follow it.

I want to be aware of what is happening in the world. But I do not want all that awful chatter in my head about what is happening that is inane, inconsequential, stupid, self-absorbed and socially insignificant. I can try to relate to my patients at work who complain about "the voices" who do not let them be.  It is like having TV blaring at you day and night.

So, for many public figures I do not care about their intimate, personal lives. I do care if they are involved in some socially significant event.  But leave your love life at home. Leave your sex life at home.

 

Connecting

Today was a day of connecting.  At work, we came off lock down, so I was able to meet with many patients who had been waiting to have a session regarding their situation.  The physician assistant and I saw several patients.  Most importantly, we saw one who had been in a fight, and needed a referral to the infirmary for his injuries (why that was not "automatic" I do not know.  But it got done.)

My niece has travelled to China to teach English. She is with a friend. Since she has left the country, I had not heard from her.  No emails, no Facebook, no Goodreads.  Her father had not heard much, but her mother told me she had received a few brief emails. My niece sent one out tonight, so I am relieved.

Today is the birthday of my former supervisor and administrator, who is now retired. I called, and we had a nice phone visit. We talked about going to a movie together. That sounds like fun.

I am a solitary person. I like being able to be in my house and live my life according to my plan. (And the plan of the cats.) But, I am concerned about my family and friends. However, I do not reach out well, nor do I connect well. But sometimes, I just have to do it.

Reading

I read a lot, and have, off and on, throughout my life.  I love mysteries.  I like autobiographies.  I like historical novels.  I like books about people and places.

Reading connects me.  I usually look forward to being able to spend some time reading. I want to read tonight, but  I cannot follow baseball and read.  And I want to watch the wild card games. I can have a baseball game on, and read, but I am not following baseball.

I will have time to read later this weekend. I need to get going, I have two more books for three book clubs this month.

As I said, reading connects me. It connects me because it teaches me about people. It gives me new information and ideas.  It broadens my world. It also connects me be because I know people who also are reading what I am reading, and with whom I can discuss books.

It connects, when I am reading a series, because I get to know the ongoing characters of the series, and I like getting to know these people. 

Passion

I used to be passionate about things in my life.  Certainly, when my relationships started with my ex-husbands.  But other interests, too:  NASCAR racing; birdwatching; my dog Mack; even my job as a correctional social worker; Lady Raider basketball; rhyme and meter poetry.

I still have lots of interests: brass bands; reading; knitting; Lady Raider basketball; Yankee baseball; Red Sox baseball; Texas Tech football; NASCAR; birdwatching; kayaking.

But I do not seem to have passions anymore. I am not sure why. Nothing stirs me for more than a few minutes.  Many things stir me: patriotic music; sports; books; work; my cats.  But the passion is gone.  Is there something wrong with me? 

It Is Raining!

When I went to a meeting tonight, there were some distant clouds, but nothing well developed locally. When I left the meeting  at about 7:30 PM, there were thick, well developed storm clouds over the north of the city, and fair but cloudy skies to the south. I was hoping for rain.

I checked The Weather Channel http://www.weather.com/ about 8:45 PM and it showed showers over all of Lubbock. It must have been virga, because there was nothing on the ground, at least at my house.

I have been working on the computer, and checking the outside weather.  No rain, until this last check about 10:10 PM, probably 45 minutes after the last check.  The wind is up. I can see the lightning through the north facing window behind the computer.  The thunder is distant and rumbling low.

I am just grateful for the rain.

There are so many things for which I am grateful:  I have caring family. I have a job I like and at which I am fairly proficient.  I realize I like the members of the board of directors of Catholic Charities, Diocese of Lubbock, the meeting I attended tonight.  I am proud to be on the board of the agency, which was the reason I moved to Lubbock in 1977.  I have caring friends. I have caring co-workers. I have the company of wonderful cats. I have developed contacts for  a couple of book clubs. I love to read. I have other hobbies: kayaking, knitting, cross-stitching.

There is so much good in my life.  And rain tops it off!

A New Book Club

Diane decided she wanted to start a new book club, and invited many members of the Barnes and Noble Mystery Book Club. She did not invite me, but Susan suggested she might want to, and gave her my contact information. So, Diane invited me.

Tonight was the first meeting. We settled on time, place and book selection process. Diane had refreshments for us. We talked about about "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" by F. Scott Fitzgerald, (a short story) and decided on the next book:  The Hunger Games.

This was a fun activity for me, and I hope it continues to be fun....

Color Commentary

Color commentators on live sporting events are unusual characters.  They are present to tell stories about the sport.  Many commentators just present random drivel about the sport, which may or may not be relevant to the event at hand.

I am watching the Red Sox at Chicago Cubs on ESPN tonight.  Terry Francona, the former Red Sox manager, is the color comentator. Because of his experience with managing the Red Sox for years, he is able to contribute some stories which are meaningful and contibute to the viewing pleasure of the game.

Maybe ESPN needs to expand their repetoire of color commentators so they have people who can speak knowledgably about the teams that are on the broadcast.

I Am Blessed

I had conversations with two very good friends tonight. I am thankful that I have these friends and that we can have these conversations.

What more is there to add.

That Woman!

I frequently peruse the 7 day book shelf at the library, but often do not get a 7 day book, depending upon what I know my reading schedule to be.  Last week, I looked at the 7 day shelf, and saw the title That Woman http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/books/bookreviews/8735153/That-Woman-The-Life-of-Wallis-Simpson-Duchess-of-Windsor-by-Anne-Sebba.html and knew immediately about whom it referred.

Years ago, when Princess Diana and Prince Charles http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diana,_Princess_of_Wales were all the publicity rage, an older co-worker of mine talked about the abdication of Edward VIII because he wanted to marry Wallis Simpson.  My co-worker always referred to her as "that woman."  When I saw the book title, and knew immediately about whom the book was written, it struck me as how monumental an event the entire saga of Wallis Simpson and Edward VIII was and is.

At the mystery book club meeting tonight, while we were visiting, I mentioned reading this book, and several of the members immediately knew, without a hint from me, who "that woman" was.

As I read the book, it became obvious to me that this story was more than a love story, or gossip magazine fodder. The story of the king who abdicated his throne is the story of a major shift in the way politics would be handled in the United Kingdom during that period in history.

Of course, the story had so many levels: it said something about the way Edward VIII perceived himself and what he thought was his power. It said something about how the Royal Family behaved in public and in private. It said something about how the common people of the United Kingdom perceived the Royal Family.  It said something about the character and persona of Wallis Simpson, and Edward VIII. It spoke volumes about the double standard of the role, rights, responsibilities, freedoms, expectations and enfranchisement of women during that time period.

Wallis Simpson, like so many women prior to that time period, during that time period, and since that time period was stuck being dependent upon men for her welfare and well being.  Although women's rights have come a long way since then, many women still face that stifling dependency on men for their existence. 

There are many lessons to be learned from this story.  I think one of the most important for women is to appreciate and safeguard the freedoms, rights, and responsibilities we have gained by the struggles of women who came before us.  And, to help promote those freedoms, rights and responsibilities so women, who still in this day and age do not have them, may move closer and closer to having them.

We forget about how much the United Kingdom changed during the 20th century, when so many of the countries became independent of England, but still in some ways are more or less loyal to England and the monarchy. It is certainly a different way of life and different attitude than what we have in the United States. Yet the lessons regarding women's rights ring true and solid in both cultures, and around the world. 

One person can change history, intentionally or inadvertently, especially because of the impact that one person has on those that person impacts. What a lesson!

Company and Companionship

Pets provide us company and companionship.  I have to say that I spend hours watching, playing, marveling and in general enjoying the cats.  They sit with me in the computer room, and sometimes, sit on me.  They play with me with their toys. They sit with me on the sofa, and sometimes, sit on my lap, or on the sofa back behind me.  They run, chase, and bobble toys and slap at things. They slap at each other, tumble, and climb over and around stuff.

Sometimes, they join me in the bathroom: they like to play with toilet tissue, or check out the water in the shower.

They like to play with the window blinds.  I used to wonder why houses would consistently have crooked blinds. Now I know: Cats who play with the blinds make them crooked.

I feel guilty, sometimes, because I have to move them when they seem set and settled.

The cats are not the best companions: they are aloof, selective of when they want affection, and sometimes  not very friendly.  They are also very demanding.  But they do provide companionship, which I appreciate.

Distance in Death

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross did the pioneering work on "Death and Dying."  I remember hearing a sermon at a Catholic Mass about her research, and being fascinated, and having to read the book.  It was one of the events in my life that steered me into social work.

Dr. Kubler Ross identified 5 stages or phases of grief:  denial, bargaining, depression, anger and acceptance.   Over the years, I have used her information to help clients deal with death, in my social work profession. 

Some years ago, I was stricken by the suicidal death of a coworker, not even a close acquaintence.  I called our Employee Assistance Program, and was connected to a very empathic counselor, who almost word for word, gave me the speech I was used to giving to clients who were dealing with death and dying issues.  Before the counselor gave me the speech, he had enough information about me to know who I was and what I did.  When he finished the speech, I was smiling and he could tell, when I said to him "You gave me the speech I give to my clients."

He acknowledged that, and, the fact that when, we as human beings, not counselors, deal with death and dying, we need to hear the same speech. 

I was reminded of this tonight, when I was speaking to a dear friend going through her own issues at the loss of a dear pet.  I hope she does not find distress in the comments I will make, but comfort in the awareness that there are so many lessons to be learned from our lives and our sorrows.

I had an epiphany of sorts tonight:  This has nothing to do with diminishing my cherished friend's very deep grief and loss.  I am so sorry for her loss, and having known her pet, miss him myself, although we barely knew each other.

The epiphany for me, however, has to do with my life.  My ex-husband and I had a nice house with an interesting back yard that my beloved Mack enjoyed.  Before our divorce, my ex-husband and I sold the house and moved into a duplex with a postage stamp of a yard that was so boring. 

I did a few things to make it better:  plant a honeysuckle and feed the birds.  But, eventually, I bought a house. I looked at the house on a Sunday with the realtor, and took Mack to look at it on a Monday.  He did not want to get back in the car: it was his house.   And so, it was.  I bought the house, and put in a doggie door for Mack, which provided him free access to the back yard.

I called the house Mack's house; I even called one bathroom Mack's bathroom because he liked to lay on the floor, and I kept a water dish in there.

Life became convoluted, and I was in a strange relationship and Mack and I lived in his house and in the country.  After many years, Mack's life gave out, and he was put to rest.  I continued in the relationship that had me living in the country.  I truly, sorely, sorrily mourned for Mack, but realize that the relationship that had me living in the country took the edge off, so I would not "go off the deep end."

The relationship ended, and when I returned to the house in town, it was no longer "Mack's house" and "Mack's bathroom" in my mind.  What a life saving that relationship was, to give me the distance I needed to deal with Mack's death.

When I was in it, and when I was in the pain of breaking up, I could not see it.  But painfully, clearly tonight, I could recognize how important that relationship was to me, to allow me to deal with the loss of my dear friend, Mack.