What I Learned About Me

I know that I am difficult to live with. I always have been.  So, why am I surprised that is one of the things I learned, again, from this recent trip to the Yellowstone.

I also do not make choices well. This aggravates other people, I think because they are afraid that if I do not make a choice, I will resent their choice, when in fact, I usually do not. I am smart enough to say this is specifically what I do not want to choose, at least.

Sometimes, I tell someone these are my preferred options, either is okay. That does not seem to satisfy people who want me to make a choice.

The other thing is that when I do make a choice, my companions do not always recognize that I have done just that.  It is as if, since I do not always express myself, when I do, my choices are not always recognized.  I appreciate that and understand that.  It really does take some discernment to understand that I have made a choice.

I knew for a year that we were going to be making this trip, and I am not happy with myself that I did not work at getting in physical shape for this trip.  But, that does not mean I cannot work towards getting in shape for the future.  Hmm, let us see what happens.

Dealing with Time

Since the 14th of July, when I had the sense of somnabulence, I have been having difficulty dealing with time. I recall, when I was a child, some of my teachers, and my father saying that you could teach yourself to register time: when to get up, when to go to bed, approximately what time of day it is.  I can usually do that well, not necessarily needing a clock, unless I take a nap during the day.  Or, unless I am rapt in a project.

And, when I was in college and we had an interviewing course, the professor said you would get used to having 50 minute sessions.  And, I did develop that skill, and still have it, although where I work now, I seldom need it.

But since I have had that somnabulent experience, I am feeling out of sorts about time.

I can still gauge and estimate how long tasks should take, and plan accordingly.  But I am having difficulty staying focused on what day it is.  The last few evenings have had such mellow evening air, as I sit in  the back yard and read, I have to remind myself what day it is, that I have to go to work the next day, that it is not a weekend, and that I am not on vacation.

I do not have as much difficulty during the day, but I am still having to work at reminding myself what day of the week it is. I do not recall having this problem in the past.  It is as if I am floating in time and not grounded, and have to force myself to be grounded.

It is a peculiar feeling, a little disconcerting, but very relaxing.  As if, although it is a week day night, I am doing weekend time, with no stressors, worries or concerns.  It is in some ways a nice, almost comforting feeling. The only discomfort it affords me is that I will forget what day it is and forget an obligation, such as going to work!

Mental Traffic

I have not written since Friday.  I have had a lot of mental traffic occurring in my brain, and when that occurs, it is very difficult for me to put words down, formulate thoughts, be creative or even dull.

I am still experiencing the mental traffic, but sometimes, you just have to plow on.  The way to get better at reading is to read.  The way to get something written is to write.

Why, you might ask, do I have so much mental traffic occurring?  Well, there are several reasons:

We have had some emergencies at work that have thrown all of our schedules off track. That makes it hard for me to feel like I have done what I need to and can go home and not have things pending in the back of my mind. I feel stressed and pressured to get "caught up" if that can ever happen. Or, at least, to get back to the schedule that I had that was workable for me.

Some re-organization at work has left me with a larger than large caseload.  Not the largest.  But we have addressed some of how we can adjust that.

I am concerned about the coming heat season.  We have had some recent rains, which have been nice.  The first storm caused a great deal of damage, but not at my house, thankfully.  We appreciate the rain, but do not see any more forthcoming in a while.

The Red Sox are playing surprisingly good baseball, so they have been on TV more than they might otherwise, and that has meant having the games on some.  I watch, computer, knit, read during the commercials, but that impinges on my brain.

But, I will say, Saturday afternoon, and part of Sunday, the house was quiet: I was reading, and did not even play music.  So, I have had some quiet time. But my mind was still popping, even while I was trying to read.

Sunday night, I had a social activity to which I needed to attend.  I had it on my mind, so I would not forget to go. I did not forget to go.  It was fine.

I think it is time just to do some quiet reflection and empty the brain a little. Or, at least, change the pace. 

So, I will try that tonight.  The TV is off. The air conditioner is running which gives good "white noise" for the background.  The ceiling fans are humming, another source of good "white noise."

I am not being inspired, but this can serve as an update of where I am.

What I Learned from Motel 6 and Tom Bodett

I do not remember when I first heard the Motel 6 advertisements in which Tom Bodett says "We'll leave the light on" http://www.motel6.com/about/bodett.aspx but more than 20 ago, according to that website.

So, when I started hearing Tom Bodett's name mentioned on "Car Talk" http://www.cartalk.com/ and "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, " http://www.npr.org/programs/wait-wait-dont-tell-me/ it just had to be the same Tom Bodett as the Motel 6 advertising spokesperson.  And it is.

I cannot tell you why their advertising campaigns are so popular. But the signature line "We'll leave the light on" speaks to me, so I suspect it speaks to a lot of people.  After all, what can be more inviting than to know that someone is waiting for you.  That's what families do.  Most families represent unconditional love and the knowledge that someone will anticipate your arrival or return, with open arms.  That is so important to all of us.

SNAP!

I have been struggling with my conscience in regards to writing about this topic, but after some open and honest discussions with co-workers today, I have decided I will try to address this topic in the most careful and respectful way I can.

It is my perception that many people on the South Plains want to believe that we live in a world, here, that is not subject to all of pressures and influences of the modern world.  Well, of course, that is nonsense.  But people in West Texas are insular, or at least, think that we are insular, or that they want us to be insular.

But the South Plains is subject to all the influences, pressures and lifestyle problems that are found anywhere else in the world.  And, that being the case, the people of the South Plains are subject to the pressures and payload, emotional, psychological, financial, that people the world over find that they, too are subjected to.

Most recently, there have been two incidents that have brought this home to me.  A co-worker, known to me in passing, engaged in a most horrific and tragic episode that resulted in two deaths, and later, he himself, died in an automobile accident.  Why these events occurred, we may never know. It is not our right to explore and dissect the inner workings of the families involved, who have suffered horrifically, and who will continue to suffer, given the legacy of the actions of this person. 

These families deserve our circumspect respect. They do not need to suffer our prying eyes.  I am not trying to intrude. I want to use this as a learning experience for us all.

The repercussions of the acts of this person are multi fold: The pain and suffering from the losses that spreads across the immediate and extended families. The shame and guilt associated with the man's actions. The faith that at some moment before his death, he made his peace with God, and that we are better human beings because we understand that this instantaneous revelation can occur.  

His actions were so out of character and make so little sense, I have to believe he had some sort of psychotic break . Otherwise it makes no sense.  The question is, what are the pressures and stressors that mounted to the point that this psychotic break occurred. We cannot know the load that another human being carries, and what one more stressor can do to that person. 

Some of us are not schooled in the skill of decreasing stress, knowing our limits or even asking for help. Many of us could  not recognize, in ourselves, when we get to the breaking point, and that is frightening.

The second event is the suicide death of a young man who, many would have thought, had the life many others would want to live.  It is hard to know why this young man engaged in the irrevocable act of suicide.  What pressures and stressors we could not see from without that he was not handling appropriately from within.  What are the pressures and stressors that a young man might experience that would drive him to this ultimate act of desperation.

Because I am not in the inner circle, I will never know. I do not know if those in the inner circle will ever know. 

But I do know that we must treat all life with value, treasure, respect, dignity and immense caring. I believe if we give humans true understanding of their worth, as humans because they are human, and do not have to have value added to their lives, the quality of their lives will improve.

For the poor, the down-trodden, the victimized, the abused, the under-appreciated, and often, the disabled of mind and body, this notion of inner worth often is non-existent.  I spend a lot of time talking to patients about the fact that they have value simply because they are a living human being, and no one can take that away from them.  

I cannot know what bundle of stressors caused these two people to SNAP. I can only hope that in the course of my days as a social worker, I am able to reach out to people and maybe help someone who is close to snapping, but does not.

More importantly, as we go about our daily lives, I hope we develop a sense of caring and compassion that helps everyone in our world to stay away from that desperate edge. I hope we remember to be kind, considerate, respectful, caring and compassionate, so we send the message to all with whom we have contact, that they are a wonderful, special, unique and valuable human being.

The Household Temperature

I arrived home from my outing on March 4, 2013, at about 9:30 PM or so.  I think it is significant that the temperature that registered at my house, both at the inside thermostat, and from the wireless, remote for outside temperatures, was 73°.  Since then the internal temperature of the house has decreased 2°, which is what I would expect, given we will be experiencing a northern front blowing in.

And, the outside temperature has decreased drastically to 48°, at a little before 1 AM,  which, I believe is amazing but not unheard of, in West Texas.

Hope you are snug in your home, and not experienceing the vagaries of climate and weather change.

If you are without a home, and need help to withstand the vagaries of weather change, I hope the homeless network of Lubbock can help you.  I can not promise answers or resouces, but if you need help, let me know:  naswlbbnews@suddenlink.net.

Too Much Traffic

I have had a good weekend.  It has included listening to the Lady Raider Basketball game on Saturday, doing yard work, enjoying sitting in my yard, watching NASCAR racing, knitting, reading, and watch PBS.

But, there has been an awful lot of sensory input, with little down time.  I try to remember to allow for down time, and I try to do it earlier in the day than this.  But it did not happen this weekend. 

And it probably will not happen tonight.

That is okay. 

Gregorian Chants

I can not tell you how long I have enjoyed Gregorian chants.  I loved the Easter liturgy services because of the Gregorian Chants, when I was growing up.  I can only tell you how stupid I was not to search out recordings of Gregorian Chants to listen to.  That changed a couple of years ago.  By chance, I was in Barnes and Noble http://www.barnesandnoble.com/ and happened upon a CD of Gregorian Chants Salve Regina by the Benedictine Monks of the Abbey of Saint  Maurice and Saint Maur, Clervaux http://www.amazon.com/Salve-Regina-Gregorian-Chant/dp/B0000040ZC. 

I have really enjoyed that CD. 

Last fall, I obtained another CD: Gregorian Melodies, Popular Chants.

Most recently, I obtained The Gregorian Book of Silos.

I really enjoy listening to Gregorian Chants.

I frequently play these CDs when I am computering. But I also play them when I am reading.  I do not play them when I am doing housework. When I am doing housework, I need vigorous, rapid paced music to help me to be active.

But, I use the Gregorian chants to help me to be calm, soothe my soul, and in general help me to relax and refresh.

Bagpipes and Melancholia

I have a wonderful CD of bagpipe music, The Spirit of the Glen http://www.discogs.com/Royal-Scots-Dragoon-Guards-Spirit-Of-The-Glen/release/3808222.  When I listen to it, I have such nostalgic feelings.  Some of the songs make me feel nostalgic for the Appalachians. When I drive through them, there is so much mist, mystery and wonderment, and the music evokes that in me.  The song "The Last of the Mahicans" evokes such aching, and nostalgia. I can not explain this well.  Driving East, going through the mountains of Virginia, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, I have such aching and longing. Even going through the mountains of Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, South Carolina and North Carolina, that same aching and longing persists. It is as if I am called to the mountains, the wilderness, the isolation, the separateness that the fog and mist creates. 

Too Tired To Think

It was a long day at work today.  Some days, even long days at work are not trying, because, although my time is spent in record reviewing, the time is not emotionally taxing.

Today, I did what I best like to do at work: interact with patients. I had a long list of patients to interview, and I did.  But, these interactions are emotionally taxing. So, by the time the interviews were completed, I was tired.

I was too tired to think. But I did what I needed to do. And, tonight, I am too tired to think. But I still maintain.

Three Cats

It took three cats to get me out of bed Monday morning, and even at that, I arose very late, and was late for work.  I had a very dark night, Sunday night. 

It is amazing to me what impacts me. I read a lot of mysteries, often well into the night.  I read about blood and guts and gore; home invasions; beatings; murders; death and dying; kidnappings; and all kinds of sinister doings.  What I read rarely effects my ability to sleep.

I watch a lot of serious TV: Lockup, Bones, NCIS, CSI, Law and Order to name a few. I watch very little comedy.  I watch PBS: Downton Abbey, Call the Midwife, Doc Martin,  Antiques Roadshow. I watch the History Channel a lot: Pawn Stars and Modern Marvels, The Story of Us or Man or whatever, How the States Got Their Shapes among others. I watch The Weather Channel a lot.  I do not watch much of their serial programming, although I did like How Weather Changed History.  But, I get a lot of my news and sports from The Weather Channel.

Sometimes, I watch movies.

But, Sunday, I went to see the movie Lincoln http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443272/.  I went to the first showing, so was out of the movie theater before 4 PM.  Yet scenes from that movie played over and over in my mind.

I watched Downton Abbey Sunday night, but could not focus on it. (I rewatched it last night online.) Scenes from Lincoln just kept intruding into my thoughts.  It was late when I finally went to bed, after watching TV, knitting and trying to shake off the intrusive thoughts.  But, they came back, in dreams, very dark dreams. 

I slept well last night. So, I am not worried about sleeping tonight.  But I find it amazing what impacts my mind.  I knew the story of Lincoln.  I knew about his marital strife, his depressive episodes, his political dealings, and of course, his assassination.  Why did that movie have such an impact on me. I do not know.  But, I know the signature of good art is to have an emotional impact on the viewers.  So, I do have to believe the movie Lincoln is good art.

This Is The Time of Year

This is the time of year that I wish I lived in the country, and had an indoor woodburning fireplace.

As the atmospheric temperature turns cooler, I wish for a the fireplace.  And, this is the time of year when on a very sunny day, it is possible to sit outside, enjoy the sunshine, not be too cold, and not have to deal with mosquitoes or dust.

Oh, well, I can take the risk to buy such a place, not knowing what my financial future might be, but I am not that kind of a risk taker.

I like my neighborhood.  If I could still walk long distances (a mile), I could walk to Kmart, Home Depot, Office Depot, the Dollar Tree, the post office, the grocery store, a couple of automotive repair places, a park, and several restaurants. 

I like the idea of living in a multi-racial neighborhood, in some respects.  In other respects, I am not as comfortable to sit outside in the dark. But, I do enjoy sitting outside during the day.

I am blessed.  I hope others realize their blessings.  November is a month when we reflect on blessings:  We honor veterans on Veteran's Day. We celebrate Thanksgiving.

We are moving into the Christmas season.  This is a time when people do develop an attitude of good will, and share their good will.

I like this time of year.

Writer's Block

Most of the time, my writer's block is due to a lack of subject. However, sometimes, it is due to other things. Sometimes, I have topics, but have a difficult time organizing my thoughts about those topics. More frequently, I have topics, but I am so very dog tired that I cannot organize my thoughts on those topics to write something.  So, sometimes, I store those topics and hope for a time when I can calm my brain, organize my thoughts, and make sense of what I want to say. Most frequently but not always, that time occurs on the weekends.

I am grateful that I have weekends to help me with my blogging.

Baseball

I am watching the Triple A National Championship Baseball Game between the Pacific Coast League and the International League.  The Pawtucket Red Sox are playing against the Reno Aces. 

This has been a great baseball experience.  It has the feel of baseball on the radio: low key, laid back, but good ball.  

The game is being played in at the Bull Durham Athletic Park http://www.stadiumjourney.com/stadiums/durham-bulls-athletic-park-s193/ in Durham, NC .  The telecast has talked about the history of minor league baseball, the story of the movie Bull Durham which was filled in the old Bull Durham Stadium http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Durham_Athletic_Park in Durham, NC.

I love baseball history.  There are so many good stories. So many wonderful players. So much history that goes with baseball. So many great characters.

I love baseball. I probably should not be such a baseball snob, and watch whatever games are available to me in Lubbock. 

Sunday Morning

Several years ago, I was visiting my brother, who explained that he generally keeps Sunday as a day of rest and relaxation.  I was at a point in my life when I was go-getting every day of the week.  I thought about that, and over the years, I have taken more and more time on Sunday mornings to relax, meditate, and take time for myself.  That has become such a blessing to me. 

This Sunday morning, I am especially enjoying the time for relaxation and introspection. I am blessed to have this luxury in my life.

Viktor Frankl

I receive a daily devotional.  While it is Christian-based, it does not always coincide with my particular perspective on my spirituality, and it sometimes is a little too conservative and fanatical for my taste. However, part of the reason for receiving it includes to force me to search my soul and expand my boundaries. I am selective of the issues I read, and even more selective of the message I incorporate or adopt for myself.  I have searched for other devotionals, but so far, have not found one suited for what I want.

Recently, the devotional I do receive has consisted of a series of quotes from Viktor Frankl http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viktor_Frankl.  I remember, years ago, reading his book:  Man's Search for Meaning.  (It has been a long time, however.)  When I started working at the prison, I was reminded about that book, and the meaning it's message can have for the patients. I really need to read that book again.

Recently, I have worked with a large number patients who have very long sentences, and are stressing over this.  Additionally, uniquely, they have been, if not well educated, at least intelligent enough to conceptualize and think abstractly and existentially.  I have referred several to Man's Search for Meaning.  Recently, I spoke to a patient who had recently read the book. While he acknowledged he "got it," he also indicated he could not really generalize it to his situation. I understand this. That is why just reading a book is not the answer for patients. They need the perspective and reflection that a counselor can provide, along with exploring the meaning of the book.  Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, counseling availability where I work is minimal.

However, something is better than nothing, and I am reminded of how important Frankl's work truly is.

Classic Movies

I stumbled upon "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner"  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061735/on TV tonight. The movie was made in 1967.  Every time I watch it, I marvel at yet again some aspect or another that I did not notice the umpteenth times I have watched it before.

Tonight, one of my marvels about this movie is how much our world has changed since 1967. It has been 45 years.  Inter-racial marriages no longer cause the stir they used to.  The President of the United States of America is black. Integration is a fact, racism still exists, and sometimes is hatefully subtle and cruel as ever.

My personal world is very vanilla.  Although, I have to admit, I know a lot of gay or lesbians.  That does not bother me.  I do not have much color in my personal life. I would not object to color. I do not reach out much, so people who reach out to me are vanilla. But color would be nice.

I think this is part of what makes a classic movie: it makes us look at ourselves and how the story of the movie impacts us.

Recently, I watched another classic favorite, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0045810/.  This movie was filmed in 1953.  There are a lot of stereotypes in the movie, and some fun is poked at stereotypes:  The dumb gold-digging blonde.  Her slightly smarter brunette friend. The dirty old rich man. The assumptions about available rich men. The "jocks." The movie really represented the cultural mores of the era regarding women and money.  When Marilyn Monroe talks about how much easier it is to love a rich man, or for a man to love a beautiful woman, she says something about society that most of do not want to admit:  these things ARE important, although are not always the defining aspect of relationships. 

So this is what makes a movie a classic.  It speaks to a human truth. One we all feel, know or think. 

I am not a big movie fan, but there are some classics that I really enjoy.

Getting it Done

I do not like to wait to the last minute to get something done, although sometimes that happens.  I appreciate having deadlines, because that gives me a time frame in which I can work towards accomplishing something.  But I like to work ahead. I like time to do a task, being able to be planful and thoughtful, and if this is a routine task, to establish a routine.

Some people like deadlines and waiting until the last minute to accomplish something. While that gives me butterflies and queasiness, some people like the adrenaline rush it gives them. Not for me.

I am thankful for people who perform well "under the gun" so to speak.  I usually do not. When you work on a team, it is good to have people who plan and work ahead, and also people who work well "under the gun."

Invictus - I Should Have Known

I should have known.  I was very interested in the movie Invictus, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1057500/, the story of Nelson Mandela and his support of the South African Rugby team, in an effort to unite the country.  It is a great story, and I love the poem, Invictus http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/invictus/.  I even use it as a therapy tool with my patients at work.

I should have known, that the movie was based on a book, John Carlin Playing the Enemy: Nelson Mandela and the Game that Made a Nation.  Well of course it was.  So that book is now on my "to read list."  I was not surprised that the Lubbock library did not have a copy, but I will order a copy through inter-library loan.  And, if I think it is worthwhile, I will order a copy for myself.

How Did I Know That?

At some time, I think in high school, I read the play "Waiting for Godot" by Samuel Beckett http://samuel-beckett.net/Waiting_for_Godot_Part1.html http://samuel-beckett.net/Waiting_for_Godot_Part2.html.  I have certainly heard reference through the years. 

In one of my puzzle books, there is a clue asking for the name of a play that a reviewer said "in which nothing happens, twice."  I immediately thought of "Waiting for Godot."  How did I know that.  It has been years since I read the play. Once that also part of the discussion about the play?  Have I heard that reference since? 

How did I  know that?