Trouble Falling Asleep

Over the last few months, my sleep pattern has changed.  I usually go to sleep between  11:30 PM and 12:30 AM, and get enough sleep.  I still can do that, but lately, if I am involved in an after work activity, even one that ends by 8:30 PM, I am still wired at 12:30 AM and sometimes until 2:30 or 3:30 AM, so that I am not able to go to sleep. 

Sometimes, reading a particularly stimulating book also keeps me awake until early in the morning. In the past, staying up late to read did not bother me much, but more, and more, it affects me the next day. 

I do not like this.  If I do not have to get up the next day, this does not worry me, but more often than not, I do have to awaken early the next day.

But the real problem is that some nights, nothing has stimulated me to stay awake: I am not reading a particularly exciting book, my eyes are tired, and I still am not able to fall asleep. 

This really concerns me; irregular sleep can set me off, make me irritable, sometimes hysterical, and always difficult.

I think this is due to severe stress at work, and I am doing the best I can to alleviate that; I try to adjust my expectations of performance at work to what is practical; I try not to let deadlines bother me, and I am taking as much annual leave as I am allowed. 

But, I am truly concerned about my self-care and coping skills regarding work. 

Shutting Down

This has been a busy week for me.  I went to the Lifestyle Center http://www.covenanthealth.org/Our-Services/LifeStyle-Centre.aspx Monday, Wednesday, and Friday night after work.  While I find the activity and exercise relaxing and invigorating, it takes me a while to wind down after I get home, so my already late bed times are sometimes later.

On Tuesday I went to the South Plains Branch NASW awards banquet.  So, it took me a long time to wind down from that. You can read my post about that, if you want.

Here it is, early Saturday morning, and I am still having trouble winding down. I went shopping after my swim at the Lifestyle Center.  So, once again I was jazzed when I got home about 9 PM and I am still trying to wind down. That also means I had a late dinner, another reason that I am up late.

I watched some NCAA Women's Tournament basketball tonight, while I was doing other things. Because I do not have a favored team, it was background noise, except near the end of close games, when I really watched.

I finally turned off the TV, and am listening to my one and only bagpipe CD: "The Spirit of the Glen" http://www.allmusic.com/album/spirit-of-the-glen-mw0000586396.  Much of this music is basic and primal. It awakens my soul and my heart. It makes me long for simpler days and a rural, rustic lifestyle.  It just does something to me.  It makes me think of the times that I camped out in the Appalachian Mountains, and how isolated and relaxed that was.  It makes me think about how we really need only the basics of life to survive.

I am so blessed. I am not wealthy, but all of my physical needs are met.  I am safe. I am sheltered from the weather. I have food, clothing and health care. I have family and friends, coworkers and colleagues. My cats are great companions. I have a job that offers me a living wage and a fulfilling role as a social worker.

I know as the time winds down into early morning, I need to shut down my brain, and let it rest.

I know my brain will shut down. Soon.

Shutting Off The World

I try to stay connected and available to the many facets of my life that interact with other people.  I try to read and respond to emails in a timely way.  I try to respond to phone messages in a timely way.  I try to be available to work on South Plains Branch NASW projects as needed.  I try to be available as a board member of Catholic Charities, Diocese of Lubbock.

But sometimes, I am not interested in being interactive: I just want to shut off the world, and not have to be responsive or responsible: I want to read, listen to music, watch a DVD, blog, journal, or just "veg out."  Exercising at Covenant Hospital Lifestyle Center http://www.covenanthealth.org/Our-Services/LifeStyle-Centre.aspx helps.

Sometimes, shutting off the world is very important to me. It is restorative.  It is relaxing. It just helps me to get in touch with me and helps me to get back in balance.  So, if I "drop out" that may be what is happening.

Buzzed!

It has been an interesting day.  I had a doctor appointment with good results, so that was good, but put me to work 1.5 hours late, for the third time this week (2 other medical appointments.) That was okay, I had a good handle on what I needed to do at work. But the primary ward where I am assigned was "popping" so seeing patients was difficult.  The officers were awesome, and I eventually did see the patients I needed to see.

I could not leave early, because even working until 5 PM, I will use some sick leave this week.  That is okay.  But I like to leave early on Friday and get to the Lifestyle Center pool before going home, for my workout. Well, that did not happen, today.

I did go home and feed the cats.  Then I went to the Lifestyle Center.  I wanted to go to a co-worker's art show, but was afraid if I did, I would not get to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription.  Since I am finally getting the results the provider and I want with my medication, I did not want to miss a dose, and I was out.  Because I am going to a class in the morning, I did my regular Saturday morning shopping on Friday night.  That got me home almost to 9 PM.  I found the Lady Raider basketball game on the radio on the way home. It started late, so I did not miss much. 

Finally, tonight, 2 days late, I had the information I needed to send out the announcement for the NASW meeting next week. Because some people get their emails on their smart phones, and that wakes them up if I send emails out late, I try not to do emails after 9 PM.  But, it is Friday night, so I made an exception, since we are running so late. I also printed up all the snail mail announcements. The envelopes were already printed, so I got those announcements folded, stuffed, sealed and stamped. I can drop these in the mail box at the post office before I head downtown to the class in the morning.

The Lady Raiders lost.  I just shut off the TV. I did not need the noise.  Because I got home so late, and still had so many chores to do, I am a little buzzed, which means it will be difficult for me to go to sleep tonight.

I like being out and about and active.  I just dislike not being able to wind down enough to get to sleep.  Especially when I have a plan for the next morning.  Oh well, it is what it is.

Sleeping In, Holidays, and Time Off From Work

So, I have 5 days off in a row from work: starting Christmas Eve, December 24, and not returning to work until Monday, December 29.  That has been so nice so far.  I have done some leisurely things, including reading, going to the library and not rushing to find a book, eating out, cooking in, playing on the computer and watching TV.

The girls have let me sleep in, which has been nice. I set my schedule according to what activities I want to do and when.

I have accomplished several chores around the house, although I basically took off Christmas.  I can tell, though, because it has aggravated my back and sciatica.  Even though I have rested a lot and limited my activity in the process of doing chores.

We are coming up on the weekend. It will be a typical weekend for me, filled with chores, exercise sessions, housework and some errands.   All doable.  Intertwined with some reading, watching TV and puzzle solving.

This should be a good few days off, as it has been already.  We return to work for 2 days, then have two days off and return to work again for one day, and then have a weekend off. This is a nice time of year, and I appreciate the extra time off.

Insomnia and Reading

I spent most of my early years not sleeping well.  As an adult, I did not sleep well. I could count on getting 5.5 hours of sleep, but if I went to be early, I was awake after 5.5 hours. And unable to go back to sleep.  I did not start sleeping well until 1995.  For whatever reason, I started sleeping well, and that continued for about 10 years.  After that, my sleep was variable, but not bad. This included an occasional sleepless night, but generally, not bad.

Until recently.  I have had some persistent insomnia.  I am not sure why.  But it is interesting to me that during all those years of poor sleep, the nights I sat up and did pleasure reading did not tire me.  I would wake up fresh, although my sleep was limited. The nights I tossed and turned found me dragging the next morning.

Recently, I have had persistent insomnia.  Some of the nights of insomnia, I have read well into the night, and found myself not dragging in the morning.  But, by mid-afternoon, I have been dragging.

I am not sure what this most recent bout of insomnia is all about. I will continue to read when I can, as it helps me to relax if not sleep. 

Sometimes, I Get Frustrated

Sometimes, when I am working on a project, and I think I am doing it right but no matter what I do it seems to turn out wrong.  So, I get more and more frustrated, and all of a sudden, nothing is right.

That was happening tonight.  I was interrupted by a phone call.  I could not decide if I wanted to answer the phone or keep working.  But, I did answer the phone, when I realized it was a special friend who was calling.

I don't think I was good phone company tonight.  I did not have too much to say. And, I could not think of things to ask my friend about.  I did tell her about my frustrating project.

We had a nice visit though, and my frustration melted away as we talked.  I tried once more, and sure enough, what ever I was doing wrong, this time the project came out right.

That is such a relief. 

Lately, when I start a project, I am so afraid things will turn out wrong, I set up a tension of self-fulfilling prophesy. I need to chill out and have more confidence, or at least, less self-doubt.

An At Ease Saturday

I had not planned to clean house today, as I usually do on Saturday, because I thought I would spend my day with Texas Tech basketball, men's and women's.  Well, I realized that the women's game was not until Sunday afternoon.  But, I got wound up in the book I was reading, so except for doing the grocery shopping and a couple other brief errands this morning, I have spent the better part of my day reading.   It was pretty out, and I sat in the sun for a while. And put out food for Sake several times, but did not get it right until I last can of food I opened. 

Sake likes me to sit in the living room, and tells me so. Sometimes she sits near me on the sofa, sometimes she sits away from me on the sofa. And sometimes she sits elsewhere in the living room.  But she prefers that to my being in the computer room. And she did that today. 

I have had the radio and TV on for various specific shows today, but have not even had music on. The quiet is good for my ears.  And my ease.

A Productive Weekend

For the second weekend in a row, I have had what I would call a productive weekend, accomplishing extra tasks, and feeling good about what I have done.  Even on the weekends, I used to be one of the most goal driven people I know, but the last few years, I have not done that.  For many reasons, including, I am sure, a touch of depression.  Not that I sit and do nothing, but I am more interested in reading than doing active chores.

Last weekend, while right now I could not tell you all I did, I know I had list of a lot of chores and accomplished most of them, except bringing things to the recycling center. This weekend, I had a mental list of chores, and I did get them all done.  It started with leaving work after I had my time in on Friday afternoon, instead of staying until 5 PM, or later, as is often my habit.

Since I left work early, I decided to do my Saturday morning shopping on Friday afternoon, which I did last weekend, too because I went into work on Saturday morning on April 27, 2013, just for a couple of hours.  Also, this Friday, I made that much delayed trip to the recycling center!

So, Saturday morning, I could not sleep, got up at 4:30 AM, and read until time to feed the girls.  I did my household chores, then got cleaned up and went to the John Paul II exhibit.  I spent two hours there, mostly because I watched the one hour video as well as took my time going through the exhibits.

After that, I ran some more errands.  My timing was good, and I was able to do some yard work that I really wanted to do before the Rangers vs. Red Sox game came on TV.  

Sunday morning, I did my usual Sunday morning routine, which includes news and "Texas Country Reporter, " as well as an expanded set of computer word games and a trivia game. (I do a limited set of computer word games and Sudoku every day.)  I did some yard work, got cleaned up and watch the Rangers vs. Red Sox again.  The game ran long, but I still ran errands as I had planned, this afternoon. And, I did some more yard work before I sat down to read. 

I had meant to call a friend, but she lives in the Eastern Time Zone, and by the time I cleaned up from doing yard work, and ate dinner it was 8 PM, 9 PM her time, and I hesitate to call that late.

The problem is, last week, I was physically very tired all week.  I hope I am not physically tired this week.  I think the reason I have become more sedate in my activity was I needed more and more time to recharge my physical battery to be able to deal with work.   So, we shall see how I do this week. 

Silence

I turned the TV off tonight.  There is nothing I want to watch. I have not started playing any music.  It is close to bed time, and I do not think I want to listen to anything, even anything soothing.

I am getting ready to wind down to go to bed.  It helps me to be very sleepy or nodding off before I lay down to go to sleep.  Just the way I am wired. Although certain music does not interfere with my getting sleepy, sometimes, I am not interested in it.  This is one of those nights.

The silence is pleasant.

I am going to move from the computer to the sofa, read, and get ready to nod off.  Good night.

Winding Down

It's Friday night.  I left work shortly after I finished what I had planned to do today, without putting in too much overtime.  That was good.  Right before I left, I received some bad news, but not unexpected as it was confirmation of a rumor.

I ran errands, and bought Chinese take out, then went home and did every day chores: cleaning cat pans, feeding cats, checking the mail. Since then, I have had dinner, did newspaper puzzles, read email, paid bills, and did computer puzzles.  I have watched a little bit of TV.

I am tired. But I have some projects that I seriously want to work on and will do this weekend.  It will be a busy weekend because of these projects.  But it will make me feel good.

But tonight, my projects are projects that will help me to wind down.

Winding Down

Today was a day for winding down.  I was not really busy at work. I awoke early, and decided to spend a relaxing morning at home.  My usual routine is focused at getting ready to go to work. But I had nothing pressing at work. So, I read the newspaper, did the newspaper word puzzles and sudoku games, and even read for a while. It helped that I woke before the alarm sounded, but even so, it was nice to take the time to do these things.

Even so, I arrived at work on time.  My day was full but not stressed. I did what work I could, but because of security reasons, I was restrained from seeing all the patients on my list. But my list goes on, day by day.  No big deal.

Although it was not really that unusual, I felt like I had arrived at home very early.  I fed critters, did chores, and enjoyed the chance to read, sitting outside in the fresh evening air.  After a while, I had dinner, and continued the opportunity to read, while enjoying the fresh air of the back yard.

After a while, I moved inside, to do email correspondence, facebook voyeurism, and word games.

All the while, I had the CD of the Gregorian Chants playing.  It so helps my stress level...

Sunday Morning

Several years ago, I was visiting my brother, who explained that he generally keeps Sunday as a day of rest and relaxation.  I was at a point in my life when I was go-getting every day of the week.  I thought about that, and over the years, I have taken more and more time on Sunday mornings to relax, meditate, and take time for myself.  That has become such a blessing to me. 

This Sunday morning, I am especially enjoying the time for relaxation and introspection. I am blessed to have this luxury in my life.

A Lazy Day

I worked hard yesterday, but today it was much quieter. I had a few errands to run, but mostly just did laundry.  I sat out this morning and read the newspaper.  The chair cushions were wet and the the air was crisp.  I had stuff to do inside, and that has been good. I watched a good move "Space Cowboys," read, knitted, and enjoyed having the three cats join me on the sofa.  

It has been a lazy day.

Gorgeous Weather

We have had some wonderful weather recently.  The warm, balmy weather has been great, and continues into the evening. I have been able to sit outside after work, and to do some yard work.

I sat out again tonight. It was a little cooler tonight, and the wind came up a little bit.  But it was still pleasant.

After the chores, I have had a chance to have dinner outside, and to sit and read outside.  This is  a great time of year to live in Lubbock.

A Beautiful Day

It was an amazingly gorgeous day, as far as the weather goes, in Lubbock, Texas.  I had planned to spend my day watching the Daytona 500, but it rained in Daytona, and the race was postponed.  Long before the race was officially postponed, and it was just in a rain delay, I ventured outside and discovered how pretty a day it was. 

I was going to just sit outside and read, but I could not resist getting some yard work done, and as you may guess, way leads on to way, and I did get several pieces of yard work done.  And still had time to sit outside and read.

I opened up the house, and the wonderful warm air outside warmed the house comfortably, for which I am a thankful.

This is why I live in West Texas.

Winding Down

It is a Monday. It was a Monday this morning, and I wanted to stay snuggled in my bed instead of going to work.  I had a good day at work, and was able to accomplish quite a bit. I arrived later than planned, but stayed later than planned.

I did plan to go to the grocery store for a few things on the way home.  I had thought to go to the store situated between the prison and my house.  But, I knew they would not have what I wanted. But, I was not really motivated to go to the yuppie store that was out of my way.  Hmmm.  By habit, I went the way I normally do, so went to the yuppie store, anyway, and got what I really wanted, and some extras (I can not resist.)

Hmm. Now, I am winding down.  I have some reading to do, and some other computer work.  But, tonight, I want to just read.   The computer work will keep for another night.  Texas Tech men's basketball will be on tomorrow night, and that is a good occasion to work on the computer.  I just need to wind down, stay warm, and enjoy the night.

Mentally Tired: A Paradox

I really appreciated the four day weekend we had for the Christmas holiday.  I had a good time relaxing during the time off.

I really did not mind going back to work, and I did not think I had a stressful week ahead of me, but I was wrong.  One of my assigned areas is experiencing drastic changes, which creates turmoil for staff and patients, and requires me to learn about and get to know, almost an entire pod of new patients. This takes time, and in the meanwhile, we have to balance providing care with learning who needs what.

Add to that, a shortage of security which limits being able to see patients, and an area with a lot of behavior turmoil by one or more patients.  It was a very long day.

Yet, when I signed out after 5:30 PM tonight, it appeared that there were still several clinicians in the building.  So, I was not alone.  One phenomenon that it took me until sometime in the late 1990's to realize, is that when I have a short work week, I still have the self-expectation that I am going to get 40 hours of work done during that week. I have had to learn to reduce my expectations of what I will accomplish in a short week, and consequently, do better.  But this week was still difficult.  I am mentally tired.

Having said that, I am finding that when I am mentally tired, if I exercise my brain anyway, I feel better. At the very least, I do some games such as jigsaw puzzles and sudoku that tax my brain.  I also do crossword puzzles, and word jumbles. It is also true of physical activity:  if I am mentally tired, but do some physical activity, I feel better.

Sometimes, I think I am too tired to try to knit, but after I get started, I find myself relaxing. 

Being mentally tired is deceiving: you think you can not do anything else, yet doing relaxing things is really the best thing for you. 

Stress Tired

Work has been stressful lately.  Which means when I get home at night, although it is not very late, I am very tired.  It is stress tired: from work.  It is not physical tired. It is the kind of tired that causes headaches, or makes me not want to deal with difficult or work-like things.  So paying bills, and doing chores are not interesting to me.  Although I do some of those things. I am more interested in mindless games, easy crafts, light reading and word puzzles. Watching the cats and playing with them are good things, too.  Those things do help me to de-stress.

Tonight, writing feels good, too.  Being creative instead of plodding through tedious stuff. 

So, I am tired tonight.

Bed Time

Sometimes, it is time to cut our losses, say the day is done, and it is time to go to bed.  I think that is true of tonight.  I have had some stressful events today with which to deal, and have succeeded in getting through them with some modicum of success. I am facing some stressors tomorrow.  But all will be well, and we will do the best we can.

Tonight, I need to give myself permission to relax, re-group, and rest in preparation for tomorrow.  So, it is bed time.