Retirement? And then, un-retirement

 I kind of get it.  I mean, Tom Brady announced his retirement several weeks ago, and this past weekend, announced his "unretirement."  He is not the first sports star to do so.  And, I sort of get it.  My father retired, but worked as a consultant to the extent he was working more than less.  He returned to work for a while, but later, retired.  He was devoted to his work his adult life, and although he loved his family, his identity was also bound up in his work at the papermill where he worked.

There are many athletes who have retired and returned to playing sports:  Michael Jordan, Tony Conigliaro, Yogi Berra, Jim Bouton, Satchel Page, Bob Cousey, Joe Louis, Floyd Mayweather, Mohammed Ali, George Foreman, Sugar Ray Leonard, Gordie Howe, Michael Phelps, Rob Gronkowski. Some after a brief retirement for healing, others with even briefer retirements, and some with several years of retirement.   I think Michael Phelps was articulate about the fact that his life was still defined by his sport, and he still needed the competition to define himself.   

I am not sure why, after just a few weeks, Tom Brady decided to return to actively playing NFL football.  But I get it.   After 45 years of social work practice, the last 26 and half at the same job, I retired.  It took me from June, when I decided it was time to retire, until December, to actually reconcile myself to the fact that I was retiring, although, because of health issues, I could not execute my work at the level I had in the past.  Even then. I was not eager for the final day of work until about the week before it occurred.  By then, I was relieved as well as still having a heavy heart at leaving my patients, my colleagues, my responsibilities, and my professional identify.   

When asked, I reported my retirement plan as sleeping for 2 weeks, which, literally I did. And then some. And there came the day that I thought my strength and stamina had returned.  And I thought,  "Why am I retiring? Why am I not working?  I can still do this."  And, of course, the next day, I needed to sleep most of the day.  

The point is, when I found myself having second thoughts about retiring, there was a mixture of thoughts and feelings to deal with: "I miss my co-workers. I miss the satisfaction of helping patients.  I was good at what I did.  I appreciated the recognition for what I did.  It was an ego boost.  I could not keep up.  I could not work up to my potential. I was disappointed in my failure to perform up to my own expectations.  It was not fair to my boss, coworkers, and patients who had a right to depend upon me. My performance was unprofessional, and even, perhaps, unethical.  I did the best I could.  The expectations from the administration were so overwhelming as to make the job impossible in some ways. It was time to get out of that depressing environment. It was heartbreaking to see a once premiere program ground down to almost nothing, no matter how hard the staff tried. It was not our fault; there was not enough staff to provide the high quality programming we could have been doing. It was time.  I made the right decision.  Who am I kidding?  Myself most of all."

My internal dialogue reflects what I thought and felt, not anyone else.  But I get the decision to change plans. 

Held Hostage by a Cat or Cats

I heard a story on the radio today about a family that was being held hostage by its cat.  Not knowing what to do, they called 911 and the animal rescue squad saved them.  Hmmm.  http://www.theamericanmirror.com/audio-woman-calls-911-report-shes-held-hostage-cat/  As I searched for this story, there were other stories that that appeared that were about the same problem.

This morning, well before my alarm went off, Haiku was attacking me in bed. She kept slapping at me. At my face, at my nose, at my lips. Once she caught my eyelid.  This started about 4 AM, and about 5:30 AM, I got up and put fresh food in her food dish (there was already dry food in that dish, dry food in another dish, and wet food in 2 other dishes.)  She ate a few pieces of dry food, decided she had enough, and returned to bed, satisfied.  I really try not to feed the cats in the middle of the night because once makes a tradition. Haiku is not usually that assertive, and I probably should have responded sooner, but I really thought there was food available to her, and there was. I am not sure what the problem was.

I can relate to feeling like being held hostage by a cat, or cats. Today, I ran errands in the morning, then went out to lunch. When I came home from lunch, I went to the bathroom. Both Taki and Haiku joined me, crowded me, and Haiku tried to climb on me. She has started doing this more and more.  I felt accosted by cats.

Because I earn large amounts of annual leave, and it converts to sick leave if I do not use it, I have been taking a lot of time off recently. So, the cats have become used to me being home more. They really seem to not just like it but expect it.  On a Saturday or Sunday, when I am gone running errands, my return home is greeted with much attention and anxiousness, maybe even consternation. As if I should not have been gone.

Both Taki and Haiku seem to want to be near me.  Haiku seems to prefer my sitting on the sofa, reading. Usually when I am reading, the TV is off, and I either listen to NPR on the radio or some mellow sort of music.  Haiku will join me in the computer room, too, especially if Taki is not there.

Taki does not show a preference for location. She is an equal opportunity location cat. She just likes to sit with me. She does really well for a while, and even likes to sit on me.  Then, all of a sudden, she has to attack me. Her need to attack me has become less and less frequent, but still occurs. (We are working on it.)

Having said all that, I can conceive an eventuality in which I might be held hostage by my cats!

Woman in Gold

Before it was released, I said I wanted to see the movie Woman in Gold http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2404425/.  I even put aside an afternoon on my vacation to see it.  That was the day severe thunderstorms moved into Lubbock, and Lubbock flooded, including in the area of the movie theater where this movie was playing, and I stayed home to stay out of the hail, without realizing the flooding would be more of a problem.

Was it last week, or the week before, that someone told me I need to get to the theater to see the movie or else it will be gone?  But I kept procrastinating.  Last night, I went to see the Drum Corps International season premier at the same movie theater where Woman in Gold is still playing.  I had planned to go to the pool tonight, but decided to opt for going to see the movie instead.  I am not sure, but I think Friday is the day they change movies in Lubbock. And, there were some storms in the area. I do not know if they closed the pool or not, but I opted for the movie. The forecast was the storms would not be severe, and if there was hail, it would be below the quarter-sized hail that causes problems.  The clouds were ominous but I believed the weather forecasters.

My past movie going history is that I usually attend movies on the weekends.  I was amazed last night at how few cars were in the parking lot.  There were even fewer in the parking lot tonight, so movie going must be a weekend activity. 

Well, I think I made the right choice.  I was the only person in the theater until about 5 minutes before the movie started.  A couple came in.  About 10 minutes or so after the start of the movie, 2 women came in. I was sitting in the first row, middle of the row, going up from the entry ramp. These women came in, sat right next to me, and took out the food they smuggled into the theater.

We shared laughter and comments during the movie, and sat through the credits. The woman sitting next to me thanked me for being a good sport.  I was not impressed:  Not only did the two women talk a lot during the movie (about the movie and not about the movie), the woman next to me took out her cell phone several times, and clicked calls off.  If she was not going to take calls, why didn't she silence her phone or shut it off? Or was she waiting for some specific call?.  I told them I thought it was a great movie, and the other woman told me this was the second time she came to see it.

This is a movie I will watch again, if it is shown on TV. 

I became a Helen Mirren fan when she did the Prime Suspect series http://www.helenmirren.com/biog.html  as Jane Tennison, aired on PBS in this country.  I also appreciated her in The Queen.  There are several other of her movies I want to see, including The Hundred Foot Journey.  I believe she has another play or series coming out on PBS in which she is Queen Elizabeth II, called The Audience https://www.telecharge.com/ScheduleAndPricing.aspx?ProductId=10486. 

Well, the upshot is I enjoyed the movie, and if you did not see it, I recommend you do in the future.

The Shortest Day of the Year

Yesterday, December 21, was the shortest day of the year.  Well, that is not true.  All of  our days are about 24 hours, including the nighttime hours.  So, December 21 is the day with the fewest daylight hours during the year.

One of the things I have noticed in West Texas that the daylight hours drastically change even within a few days of the winter solstice. The same is true of the summer solstice, but the summer days are really, really long compared to those of Western Massachusetts. I am not sure that the winter days drastically lengthen after the solstice where I grew up in the northeast, but then, I am not sure I ever really paid attention to that sort of thing.  Now, I do.

But what this brings to mind is when people say "There are not enough hours in the day."  or "I don't have the time someone else does."   Those statements do not make sense.  There are always 24 hours in the day.  The problem people experience is that they do not plan well or anticipate time required, for the most part, when they set their expectations for the day.  And, when things come up unexpectedly, or things take longer than anticipated, they do not adjust their expectations accordingly. 

I think, personally, that it is some of the "I want it all" mentality that so prevails in our culture. People do "want it all."  So, when something interferes with that plan of having it all, they do not adjust their expectations or desires accordingly, and find themselves falling "short of time" when really what they did was over-anticipate what was realistic in the time frame allowed, given the interferences of the day.

I find that I am frequently re-evaluating my situation at work and in my personal life so I can make an adjustment for what I want and what I have time for.  I do not fret or stew over this re-evaluation, and frequently "do it on the fly,"  or do it without really stopping to dwell on it. I also find that I am not as frustrated about these changes in plans as I once was.

I never have a day that is too short, I just have a day in which I get less done than what I had planned.

Doing The Right Thing

Over and over and over in my life, when I have had to make a decision, and I have decided to do the right thing, I have been affirmed that you cannot go wrong by doing the right thing.

It happened again this week.  I am on the Board of Directors for Catholic Charities, Diocese of Lubbock http://cclubbock.org/.   Our executive director was at the Catholic Charities USA http://catholiccharitiesusa.org/ conference last week. 

This week, on Tuesday, she extended an invitation to the board members to attend the Lubbock United Way http://www.unitedway-lubbock.org/ mid-session reporting luncheon, today, Thursday. It was a late invitation:  she had been out of town, and was only getting caught up. Catholic Charities, Diocese of Lubbock is a United Way partner agency.  Our board members try to be supportive, but sometimes, a last minute invitation like this does not allow for calendar adjustments. 

As it was a bit of a late invitation, it is understandable that most of the board members who replied mostly sent their regrets.  I am in a situation in which I can sometimes be flexible about such activities, so I told my supervisor I wanted to attend.  And, I did attend.  I am so glad I did.  Only one other board member attended. Although the executive director could have handled it, it would have been embarrassing to me that the agency had no support or representation except our executive director at this luncheon.. 

So, I am glad that the other board member and I did the right thing.

What You Put Into It is What You Get Out of It

As a correctional social worker at a prison, I find myself saying the title "What you put into it is what you get out of it" a lot.  We no longer do groups, so we give out written material to patients, with information that would be discussed in groups if we did them. Our job is to encourage the patient to become motivated to read through and use the materials to their advantage.  We call it the "In Cell" program, because that is where the patient studies the materials.

I have recently started physical therapy, and I have taken the attitude of "what I put into it is what I will get out of it," so I am trying to do well in the sessions, and follow up using the materials and exercises I am given for out side the sessions.  Somethings just will not happen, like not getting rid of my overstuffed sofa, but I am trying. 

I am realizing how much I appreciate the positive and supportive comments of the various therapists in the session. And, how it makes me want to try harder.  A student intern helped me today. He was helpful, supportive, encouraging, informative, interactive.  He did a really good job. I need to tell the therapist about that.

I try to be that kind of social worker for my patients at the prison: encouraging and supportive. I have found myself, though, sometimes being more assertive and confrontational with them.  I think that is because so often, we suspect our patients are not as sick as they would have us believe and are using the hospital setting for secondary gain.

When someone is truly doing well, though, I do try to encourage and support them.  Today, I had two very interesting sessions with patients. One told me that "I know this stuff, but I guess it does no good if I don't apply it."  We were able to talk about his barriers to application, and we may want to focus on that again.

The other patient commented that he wants the staff to know that he is trying, but he feels like he will fail, and he has no positive expectation for a good result.  We discussed his attitude, and how that kind of attitude will lead him to failure.  We also talked about no "magic  cures," no expectation for dramatic and overwhelming change, making one step at a time, doing one step at a time, and how he has years of habits (his age) to undo and redo.   Ultimately, I told him that there is no "right or wrong" in terms of his efforts and outcomes, but the "right or wrong" is in terms of what he expects to achieve. And, if he is satisfied with less than more, we will not judge him on that, except in terms of if he needs to be in an inpatient setting.  I think this patient "got this." 

I think for most people who enter therapy, be it physical or psychological therapy, the hardest thing to accept is that it will not happen over night.

We are an instant society: instant gratification, immediate pain relief, 60 minute problem solving of crimes or other life sagas.  

I do not look forward to weeks or even months of doing exercises at home, even after physical therapy has ceased.  However, years ago, I had an arm problem.  The doctor of osteopathy that I was using as my primary care physician at the time sent me home with a prescription for 30 days worth of Vioxx, and an exercise sheet. The exercises took about 20 minutes, and I was supposed to do them twice a day. I was about 90% diligent with the exercises.  After the medication ended I went back to the provider.  We were now into the "Vioxx scare" so he did not want to renew it.  But, I could tell the exercises were more valuable than the medication. After several months, my arm felt better, and I finally stopped the exercises. I have kept the sheet, and even shared it with a coworker who told me it helped her.

Sometimes, there really are no "magic pills."  It is about  change for the better, doing what we should ido nstead of what is easier, and remembering that what we put into it is what we get out of it.