My Brain is Frothing

I am not sure why, but my brain is frothing.  I do not know why.  I am just having difficulty focusing and concentrating.  Even trying to read has been difficult. There is a lot happening right now, but nothing earth shattering or even unusual.  Just a lot. 

I probably need to come home some night, not turn on the TV, read, and at the best listen to Gregorian Chants, bagpipes, or "The Ultimate Bolero. http://redmp3.su/album/75370/ravel-s-greatest-hit-the-ultimate-bolero.html.  That is music that can tame my brain.

Sometimes, we just need to put the brakes on.  I think I am there.

Hitting the Wall

I did a lot of walking at work today. Not more than usual, but a lot.  I ended my day sorting papers at a spare desk in my office.  Doing this, because of the height of the desk, I stood at a slightly stooped angle.  I know better. That will set off a burn in certain muscles in my lower back.  I have had this problem since the mid-1980s. 

The truth be known, when this has happened over the last year or so, a session in the pool at the Lifestyle Center http://www.covenanthealth.org/ took care of it.  Well, the pool is closed for cleaning and maintenance.  My next best option was a walk, which I took.  I felt like I was struggling, even though before I went for this walk, I put an analgesic patch on my back.  With immediate relief. But, I finished my walk.  I had some errands to run, and got Chinese food take out from the Fortune Cookie http://lubbockfortunecookie.com/. 

The muscles in my back are still burning.  And, when I got home from errands and getting dinner, I was pretty well worn out. I am just waiting for my brain to catch up with being tired. My brain is always less tired than is my body. We will get there soon.

Cat Attention

Haiku and Taki have been very affectionate lately.  They both want to sit in the bathroom with me. They (independently) want to sit on my lap, whether I am in a chair in front of the computer, or on the sofa. If I am at the dining table, they want to sit on the table near me. The cats want to be near me.

I have not been on the sofa much the last 3 weeks, except on the weekend, when I do a lot of reading.  When I am on the sofa, one or both cats wants to sit next to me, near me, or on me.  When I am at the computer, one or both cats wants to sit near me, or on me.

I love them.  I love their company.  I suspect that their increased attention is due to the increased level of stress I have brought home from work for the last 6 weeks or so.  My cats are sensitive to my moods and stressors.  They let me sleep when I need to sleep. They are not demanding when I am not doing well. But they are very demanding when they want attention from me, even more demanding than when they want food from me.  Lately, my cats have been very demanding about attention. 

There has been research about how pets help with lowering blood pressure and dealing with stress.  It is their demanding nature for attention when someone is stressed that helps with calming and relaxing.  I love my cats.  Thank God for their presence in my life.

Mental Stress

I am watching NASCAR http://www.nascar.com/en_us/sprint-cup-series.html tonight.  The race is in Darlington, SC, "the track too tough to tame." The announcers are stressing the impact that mental stress has on the drivers and other team members.

We discount mental stress too much.  I think I wrote recently about how much mental stress I was experiencing when I was having regular hip pain. It wore me out mentally, and I did not realize how much until I had a pain management treatment and was experiencing minimal pain.  What an enlightenment to me.

I work in a psychiatric prison hospital, and we see many, many patients who come to our unit and immediately feel safer and better.  A prison is a high stress environment.  It is staff against offenders in many ways. Prisons are filled with bad actors and predators who almost unconsciously pick out easily victimized offenders.  At the unit where I work there are more safe guards, more correctional staff and more clinical staff so even the easily victimized or weak offenders can seek help.

Yet, we stabilize these patients and send them back into the same stressful environment. True the psychiatric prison hospital is not designed to be a permanent unit of assignment.  It is difficult to think that the patients we discharge who could not deal with the stress for long before will now be able to deal with it.  I try to educate them about how they can get sent back to the psychiatric prison hospital without doing high risk self injurious or injurious to others behavior.  Some times that helps. Sometimes it does not.

I do not appreciate for myself what my mental stressors are, and do not acknowledge them usually.  But, as with everyone else, I do have them.  And, when I try to deal with my stressors, sometimes I feel stronger, have more energy and feel more confident.

This is something I need to pay attention to in the future.

A Long Day

I did not want to get up today, because I knew it was going to be a long day on the afternoon end of the day, and it was.  I often have to work late on Wednesdays, which is okay. And, which I did today.

I knew, going  into the day, that I had an errand to run after work, and then had some tasks to complete in preparation for the NASW CEU luncheon on Thursday.

Because I was late getting in, I missed the first 2 innings of the Red Sox vs Rays baseball game, but that was okay. 

I want to finish watching the baseball game, and for now, it is early enough to be able to anticipate I can do so, especially if it is only a 9 inning game.  I think it is interesting.  Sometimes, baseball games are slotted in for 2 hours on TV, but this game was slotted in for 3 hours, which is much more realistic any time the Red Sox or the Yankees play.  And, it is on a sports channel vs. an entertainment channel.

I am feeling very tired mentally.  Sometimes, the mental tiredness is more difficult to recuperate from than the physical tiredness.

Hopefully, I will have a restful night.

Haiku Fell

Haiku likes to be in the garage, as do all the kitties. But Haiku likes to jump to the top shelves, and jump between the shelves. When she does that, she sometimes takes for ever to get down.  The shelf is wide enough that she can pull back to the wall, and I can barely reach her to get her down, if I need to.

I did not let her get into the garage this morning because I had errands to run, and wanted to be able to come and go.

But, I let her get into the garage this afternoon.  I was cleaning in the kitchen when I heard the noise. It sounded like boxes tumbling.  When I got to the garage, she was on the floor. She jumped to the hood of the car, and was mewing, but she mews a lot anyway.  Her heart was racing.  I grabbed and made her come into the house. She did not want to come into the house, but I did not give her a choice.

If the fall did not scare her, it scared me!

Mental Traffic

I have not written since Friday.  I have had a lot of mental traffic occurring in my brain, and when that occurs, it is very difficult for me to put words down, formulate thoughts, be creative or even dull.

I am still experiencing the mental traffic, but sometimes, you just have to plow on.  The way to get better at reading is to read.  The way to get something written is to write.

Why, you might ask, do I have so much mental traffic occurring?  Well, there are several reasons:

We have had some emergencies at work that have thrown all of our schedules off track. That makes it hard for me to feel like I have done what I need to and can go home and not have things pending in the back of my mind. I feel stressed and pressured to get "caught up" if that can ever happen. Or, at least, to get back to the schedule that I had that was workable for me.

Some re-organization at work has left me with a larger than large caseload.  Not the largest.  But we have addressed some of how we can adjust that.

I am concerned about the coming heat season.  We have had some recent rains, which have been nice.  The first storm caused a great deal of damage, but not at my house, thankfully.  We appreciate the rain, but do not see any more forthcoming in a while.

The Red Sox are playing surprisingly good baseball, so they have been on TV more than they might otherwise, and that has meant having the games on some.  I watch, computer, knit, read during the commercials, but that impinges on my brain.

But, I will say, Saturday afternoon, and part of Sunday, the house was quiet: I was reading, and did not even play music.  So, I have had some quiet time. But my mind was still popping, even while I was trying to read.

Sunday night, I had a social activity to which I needed to attend.  I had it on my mind, so I would not forget to go. I did not forget to go.  It was fine.

I think it is time just to do some quiet reflection and empty the brain a little. Or, at least, change the pace. 

So, I will try that tonight.  The TV is off. The air conditioner is running which gives good "white noise" for the background.  The ceiling fans are humming, another source of good "white noise."

I am not being inspired, but this can serve as an update of where I am.

Evacuation Lubbock

Bayer Crop Science http://www.bayercropscience.us/who-we-are/lubbock in Lubbock reported a hydrogen chloride gas leak late last night or early this morning http://www.kcbd.com/story/22201407/hazmat-crew-en-route-to-bayer-crop-sciences.  Bayer Crop Science has a really good safety history.

Residents in the area of the leak were evacuated in the wee hours of the morning. Some went to relatives, some to hotels, some to the Salvation Army http://www.uss.salvationarmy.org/uss/www_uss_lubbock.nsf.  Guadalupe Elementary School http://guadalupe.lubbockisd.org/ was closed for 5-9-13, as was the Guadalupe Early Childhood Learning Center http://www.guadalupecenter.org/EarlyChildhoodEducation.  I am sure other businesses were also closed for the duration.

A HazMat http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hazmat crew from Dallas came to help with the clean up of the situation, and by tonight, that has been accomplished.  People were allowed to return to their homes http://lubbockonline.com/local-news/2013-05-09/lubbock-residents-evacuated-during-chemical-spill-recall-scare. 

The news has not reported any injuries as a result of the leak.  It seems that by being proactive once the gas leak was detected, people were alerted, and the evacuation and containment procedures kept people safe. 

Lubbock experienced a devastating, deadly tornado on May 10, 1970 http://lubbockonline.com/lubbock_tornado_home_page.  It is my belief that because of that experience, the residents and government of Lubbock take disaster response very seriously.  I know that during the Hurricane Katrina http://www.ncdc.noaa.gov/special-reports/katrina.html evacuation and follow up, the city of Lubbock provided stellar assistance. So much so, that we were noted as a model for other communities, and told if similar storms or emergency situations occur, Lubbock will be a first place evacuation site. We have been put on notice for emergencies more than once.

Well, Lubbock is safe tonight. This is a blessing.

Stress

Work has been very stressful the last couple of weeks.  I will not talk about that, but about how I deal with it: Not well.

I come home from work, and do the necessary chores: feed the cats, take out the trash, read the mail, check the computer email, do the games I generally do, including the word games on Facebook. Sometimes I cook dinner. Sometimes, if the weather is good, I sit outside and read. Sometimes, I watch something mindless on TV, especially sports. 

But most nights, I do not de-stress before I go to sleep.  I nod off before I can de-stress. So the quality of my sleep is tense and not restive. Even though the activities in which I engage are really activities to help me to de-stress: read, mindless TV, word games, it does not always help.

With the emotional news content lately, and the inability to de-stress, I have been wearing out my body and my mind.  I need to let it go.  I need to just chuck it.  

Last night, I had a period of restive reading before I went to bed.  That was very helpful. Maybe I can do that again tonight.

Keeping Up

I am a methodical, habitual person.  People tell me I am organized. I think I am inflexible and a creature of habit.  Yet, in my line of work, I have to be, and am flexible all the time.  But, my comfort zone is a planned and scheduled day in which I can guesstimate a time table and accomplish the tasks I had planned to do that day.

Part of my routine is to take care of personal business in the evening.  This might be household chores, errands, a planned reading night or other tasks.  I plan my social events so I can still keep up with other things.

The past week and this week has been filled with unplanned social events.  So, I find myself trying to squeeze in moments to "keep up" with what I would have been doing.  Trying to keep up with my idea of what my schedule should be can be draining. But it is something I have always done.  That does not make it right.

And, for some reason, I have been inordinately tired the last few weeks, so working, reading or knitting later into the night has become more difficult.

Imagine my surprise, some 20 plus years into my working career, when I realized why weekday holidays made me so tired. Dummy!  I tried to get 40 hours of work done in 32 hours.  When I realized that, I adjusted and made my short weeks more manageable.  But it took me years to get there. What is wrong with my thinking that I could not figure that out!  I am a bright person. But my goal orientedness creates such a tunnel vision in me that that did not dawn on me for years and years!  Dah!

This is always a busy time of year, with holiday activities.  But I am not even dealing with those yet!  It is just other life stuff that is infringing on my activity calendar.

Well, all will get done. Deadlines can be broken or changed. Life goes on.

I Don't Do Deadlines

When I was in junior high and high school, I would procrastinate on homework and then have to rush and do a poor job.  When I got into college, at first, I was always struggling with deadlines. It was then I realized that I did not like how it felt to be up against deadlines. But I could never get ahead.  I left college, and when I returned, years later, I had developed a work ethic that helped me to not always be up against deadlines, but to work ahead.  I liked that.

When I worked in the county hospital, they preached that discharge planning began at admission. I liked that plan, and worked it as much as I could. I did not like being on call and having to scramble to do things at a moment's notice. I worked pediatrics, and after several years, received permission to work 10 AM to 7 PM, as many parents did not arrive until after school or after work. This also worked well for the on call system, as most of the calls were for families of children.  So, from 5 PM to 7 PM, I handled the on call referrals.  

One night, right before quitting time, I was walking through PICU to see if there was anything I needed to know. An adminsitrator happened to be there, and told me I was brave to do that. My response was that I would much rather take care of my ward than have someone else have to try to do it, as I knew what needed to be done.

In my later jobs, I have always tried to work ahead. I left the hospital when I realized that I had become an adrenaline junkie, and could not relax or calm down until well into the night. 

Since then, the jobs I have worked have had deadlines, and some emergent situations, but mostly, they are case management type situations that I can plan for and work at methodically and without being pushed up against deadlines. Oh, I have deadlines, but most of the time, I can plan ahead for them, and not let them become critical. And, I do try to be flexible.

Also, I do not work "by the clock."  By that I mean I do not worry about putting in a day's time. I know what my duties are, what my patients need, and what I am expected to do.  My theory is, if I plan my day to tend to my appointed job, by the end of the week, I will have put in my time. Mostly, I put in more than my time. But I feel good about accomplishing my tasks.

More than once at work, a coworker has asked "How late are you staying today?" or some version of that question. My response is usually, "I have a plan for what I want to accomplish, and then I will go home."  There are days my plans get scuttled. And I can be flexible about that. But my mind set is that I have a job to do, and today, my plan is to do this much.  If I can do more, great. If reasonably, I can not complete what I want to, I can adjust. If emergencies occur forcing me to adjust, I will.

I have an ability to guestimate how much time each of my tasks at work will require. This allows me to set my plan for the day. I prioritize by deadlines, importance of task, ease of accomplishments, and then what's left. This works for me. 

I do not try to meet standards. I know what the standards are.  What I try to do, is do the best possible job I can in the situation in which I find myself. This usually means that not only do I meet standards, I exceed them. 

So, I do not like the adrenaline rush of meeting deadlines. I do not like the tired feeling of slogging away at meeting a deadline. I like to do my tasks in a timely way and not feel pressured. 

Life does always allow that. I can adjust.

Why Am I So Inordinately Tired?

I can tell you why I am so very, very tired. It is a combination of factors.

I have been staying up late reading.  Well, I do that frequently. But usually I am reading a well written, mind grabbing book if I stay up late reading. (Otherwise, I go to bed.)  So, even though I miss some sleep, I am relaxed and rested, and it does not drag me down the next day.

Well, not so with the book I am reading: Playing the Enemy: Nelson Mandela and the Game That Made a Nation by John Carlin. This is the book that the movie, Invictus http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1057500/ was based on. And, Invictus http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/invictus/ is a favored poem of mine, written by William Ernest Henley.

The story is compelling but the author leaves something to be desired in the telling. However, I do want to read this book. It is a story I want to know more about, it is the story of Nelson Mandela, and how he galvanized a nation  divided to be united.

So, staying up late to read is dragging me down.

But, there are other factors. We are going through some changes at work that are very distressing for me. As one of my coworkers said today, she is trying to be positive about the changes whether or not she likes or agrees with them, but it is still very difficult.

And, for me, the worst of the changes is that we are losing three long term leaders. The medical director has already moved on to a new job. The chief administrator will be retiring in December, as will a senior director.

I am very concerned about the future of my job. I am very concerned about the future of our program at work.  I am extremely well paid for someone with my credentials, and will continue to work to the best of my ability to help keep things afloat. But, when do my licensure credentials become jeopardized?  Then I will have to bail. I am really wanting to continue as long as I can, to secure a reasonable retirement. I do not delude myself, my retirement will be tight, and as the cost of living increases, I will be squeezed to be able to tend to myself.

I want to adjust to the new scheme of things at work. But I am very concerned about what that will look like.  And, I am concerned that I will be assigned a very undesirable task, just because my supervisor knows I will strive to the utmost to do it, even it is fruitless.  But, I will do as I am asked.

So, the mental stress of all of this is wearing me down, and I am becoming more and more tired and unable to feel like I can rise to the demands of my daily tasks. 

I will, however continue on. And do the best I can.

One Step at A Time

I am in a situation at work.  The administration is scrambling to make some things happen, and are pulling people left and right trying to get these things done.  They are asking us to do things in a disorderly sort of way, in a rush to clear out beds in the hospital.  The more they push and push and push, the more overwhelmed we become, and become unable to function.

This is counterproductive. We need to do our jobs one step at a time. We need to be methodical, concientious, and provide good patient care.   It will all come together, but first, we must do no harm.  This frenzied feeding turmoil is just causing the potential for great harm, including harm to staff.

We have to take care of ourselves first.

Disassemblage

Today, we cleaned the Occupational Therapy Kitchen at work.  We used to have occupational therapists on staff who taught many life skills, helped patients identify texture differences, and in general gave patients opportunities to learn coping skills.

That was before the spring of 2003, when the therapeutic program at the Montford Unit was gutted by budget cuts. 

Since then, we recovered some social work positions, and were up to 11, then lost 2 to attrition, and 3, last fall, to another reduction in force due to budget cuts.

I helped with the cleaning and even brought some items to a local non-profit agency resale store.  Many other art items will be donated to a local agency that has programs for children.

I was bummed out. I spent about 3 hours on this project, and went back to work, and was able to see patients, which is balm for my soul.  No particular patient,  just being able to see patients.

But, I left early today.  I just could not push myself to do more...

Overload

Work has become very busy right now. That happens periodically, but it does.  My supervisor sent out an email today, to remind us as we are being bombarded with some tasks, it would be okay to decrease other tasks, so we can survive and not go into burnout.

I appreciate that. I have a tendency to think I have to perform at the same high pace in all areas of my work, although I know that is not practical or reasonable. I am only human. I can only do so much.

I need reminders that sometimes, I have to re-prioritize and do only what I can without burning myself out.

Thanks Boss!

Distracted

It was just one of those mornings.  I had planned to do as I usually do on Saturdays, and go to the library, gas up the car and get my weekly groceries. 

I was a little slow at getting started. But left the house a little after 9, waiting, as I do because the library opens at 9.  It took 3 tries before I got out of the neighborhood.  That was a little distressing to me.  I just could not recall if I had closed up the house, so went back not once, but twice.

I need to be more focused.

Weather Chasers

There is a winter storm brewing in the North Mid-West, and moving to the East.  The Weather Channel http://www.weather.com/newscenter/nationalforecast/ storm chasers are out and about. Their verbal reports seem to reflect an excitement that leads me to believe that they relish the opportunity to get out and report on these storms.

I can understand.  Storm chasing is an adventure that can be almost or truly risky behavior.  Any storm can be dangerous.  Add to that, storms contribute to a charged atmosphere, even if an electric storm is not involved.  The whipping wind, the heavy fog, the blinding snow can all add to a sense of excitement and/or mystery.  Crashing waves, flying debris, slashing rain can create a sense of havoc and danger. These are but some of the weather phenomenon that contribute to the emotional sense of the adventure. 

Last winter, there were a LOT of storms.  This winter, there have been few, so far. But that could change.

And, there have already been tornadoes this year, although it is early for tornadoes.

I am grateful for the weather predicters.  They may not always be accurate, or even correct, but they give us what warnings they can to help us to prepare for severe weather.

A Stressful Week

I am not sure why this has been such a stressful week, but it has been.  Part of it has to do with having an activity Monday and Tuesday night after work. But, on the other hand, I took Thursday afternoon off to watch the NASCAR Duel 150's Daytona 500 qualifying race event.  And I enjoyed it very much.  Maybe part of the reason I am so tired is that I still worked 40 hours this week.

And, I had a topsy turvy week.  A meeting scheduled for Friday was moved up to Wednesday.  A meeting scheduled for next Tuesday was moved up to Friday (today).  I am pleased to say I work ahead and was fully prepared.

But, maybe that is why I am stressed.

The real reason I know I am stressed, is that I had been keeping up with being able to write a blog regularly for a while. I have been struggling for the last 10 days or so to write as regularly as I had been.  Often, when I do not write, it is for a lack of ideas.  I have had the ideas this week, I just have not been able to empty my mind enough to write about them.

Deadlines

I dislike working up against a deadline. I do not mind having a deadline imposed, but I want enough notice so that I do not have to work up against a deadline. I do not like the feeling of stress and pressure that creates.

That is not true of many people, and for some people, working against a deadline is what is required to motivated them to perform. Some people even think that by working against a deadline, their adrenaline flows due to the stress, and they perform better.

There are other people who are so not disturbed by deadlines that if they miss a deadline, it does not change their feeling or reaction. I do not understand this, either. I feel I should be dependable, reliable, and make what commitments I incur.

Each of us has a different style. There is nothing wrong with that, and in fact, it is probably very important for survival that we all have different styles.  The important part of this is to recognize, acknowledge, and accept that we each have different styles about deadlines.

Mentally Tired: A Paradox

I really appreciated the four day weekend we had for the Christmas holiday.  I had a good time relaxing during the time off.

I really did not mind going back to work, and I did not think I had a stressful week ahead of me, but I was wrong.  One of my assigned areas is experiencing drastic changes, which creates turmoil for staff and patients, and requires me to learn about and get to know, almost an entire pod of new patients. This takes time, and in the meanwhile, we have to balance providing care with learning who needs what.

Add to that, a shortage of security which limits being able to see patients, and an area with a lot of behavior turmoil by one or more patients.  It was a very long day.

Yet, when I signed out after 5:30 PM tonight, it appeared that there were still several clinicians in the building.  So, I was not alone.  One phenomenon that it took me until sometime in the late 1990's to realize, is that when I have a short work week, I still have the self-expectation that I am going to get 40 hours of work done during that week. I have had to learn to reduce my expectations of what I will accomplish in a short week, and consequently, do better.  But this week was still difficult.  I am mentally tired.

Having said that, I am finding that when I am mentally tired, if I exercise my brain anyway, I feel better. At the very least, I do some games such as jigsaw puzzles and sudoku that tax my brain.  I also do crossword puzzles, and word jumbles. It is also true of physical activity:  if I am mentally tired, but do some physical activity, I feel better.

Sometimes, I think I am too tired to try to knit, but after I get started, I find myself relaxing. 

Being mentally tired is deceiving: you think you can not do anything else, yet doing relaxing things is really the best thing for you.