Throwing Bills Away

I am compulsively conscientious about paying bills. I really like the option of bill pay on line from my bank, because the day I receive a bill, I can schedule a payment. And, I can check back every month to make sure the payments have been scheduled or made as required. 

So, this week, I received a bill.  And after I looked through the other mail, I threw out the bill with the "junk mail."  I did not mean to do that. It was the bill for my membership to the Lifestyle Center.  So, when I drove up to the Lifestyle Center parking lot Wednesday night, it occurred to me that I had seen the bill, and did not act on it (I usually just bring the payment with me when I go in to the center.) So, after I went home, I went looking for the bill. And it was nowhere. I could not believe that I had thrown it out with the junk mail, but went to the bag in the garage that holds the junk mail until I take it to the dumpster, and there was the bill.

I have become a little careless about other minor things recently.  I am not sure if it is due to being preoccupied, or maybe because I am struggling with ongoing pain that I am always trying to mitigate, or it is due to aging. Or what.  But this is a trend I have noticed.  It is not too serious yet, but I need to monitor myself better.

I Am So Proud of Taki

My three cats like to be in the garage at various times. It seems that Sake likes to be in the garage if she thinks there will be some kind of food out there.  There generally never is.

I do not feed the cats in the garage. I am not sure where this thought from Sake comes from.  Sake is very good about letting me know when it is time to return to the house proper.  She bangs the door, jumps on the screen on the garage door window, or wails very loudly. Sometimes, Sake has spent the night in the garage. I always wonder why: Did I not hear her requests to come back into the house, or did I ignore such a request. Or did she not make a request.

Haiku also does okay about returning to the house proper from the garage.  She may cry, or scratch the garage door, or at the most desperate, climb the screen on the door. The door has a screen part way up, and when the cats climb it, the noise is very loud.

Yesterday, Taki was in the garage. As is usual when the cats are in the garage, I tried to check on her regularly. But not regularly enough. She scratched at the door and returned into the house, when the door to the garage was opened.

This was the first time that Taki made her wishes known to return to the house from the garage.  I am so proud of her.

Taki does not always get it.  Unlike Sake or Haiku, she does not know how to open cupboards,  or drawers. She can push her way into the bathroom, but unless the door has a large opening, she is unable to pull open the door to leave from the bathroom.

So asking to leave from the garage is a great development.  Good for Taki! 

Physical Therapy, Gregorian Chants, and Learning to Relax

Okay, so I learned about relaxation therapy many, many years ago when I was a teen pregnancy counselor, and accompanied many of my clients to their Lamaze classes and deliveries. The principle of Lamaze is that if you teach the pregnant woman to relax and do relaxation breathing during the labor contractions, she can sustain herself without medication, or with less medication. Another principle is to be educated regarding what to expect as the pain intensifies or changes, and to be able to adapt to that.

Now, as a social worker who works in a psychiatric prison, one of the basic coping skills we teach is relaxation exercises:  deep breathing, diaphramatic breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation.

Well, with this knowledge, I have powered through my pain for years.  It might be sciatica, caused by a bulging disc of my spine.  It might be something else. For now, it is being treated as if it is sciatica and a result of the bulging disc.    I am awaiting a pain management consultation. 

I have endured this pain for some time.  It would be nice to be able to resolve the pain, but I have limited hope:  Hope that this can occur, but awareness it may not.

Prayers to West, Texas

On April 17, 2013, there was an explosion at a fertilizer plant in West, Texas http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/key-facts-plant-explosion-west-texas-18990641.  The authorities treated it as a crime scene, and are slowly opening up zones to allow residents back into their homes. They are not saying it is a crime.  They are using crime scene techniques to help understand what happened, and to protect the citizens of the community.

West http://www.tshaonline.org/handbook/online/articles/hgw06 is a small town, about 17 miles north of Waco, off of I-35. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/West,_Texas.

This was a horrific tragedy, flattening a large section of the town, costing lives, causing injuries, and disrupting the town. 

There are no words to describe the sadness this event causes me.  This last week has been a week of sadness in the news. 

Prayers go out to West, Texas and those who have been affected by this tragedy. 

Many who lost their lives were First Responders.  This makes sense:  they had responded to the fire that lead to the explosion.

Once again, thank you to all First Responders.  Many of your days are quiet, but you never know when you will be in a situation in which you are putting your life on the line.

Too Tired To Think

It was a long day at work today.  Some days, even long days at work are not trying, because, although my time is spent in record reviewing, the time is not emotionally taxing.

Today, I did what I best like to do at work: interact with patients. I had a long list of patients to interview, and I did.  But, these interactions are emotionally taxing. So, by the time the interviews were completed, I was tired.

I was too tired to think. But I did what I needed to do. And, tonight, I am too tired to think. But I still maintain.

Sunday Morning

Several years ago, I was visiting my brother, who explained that he generally keeps Sunday as a day of rest and relaxation.  I was at a point in my life when I was go-getting every day of the week.  I thought about that, and over the years, I have taken more and more time on Sunday mornings to relax, meditate, and take time for myself.  That has become such a blessing to me. 

This Sunday morning, I am especially enjoying the time for relaxation and introspection. I am blessed to have this luxury in my life.

Viktor Frankl

I receive a daily devotional.  While it is Christian-based, it does not always coincide with my particular perspective on my spirituality, and it sometimes is a little too conservative and fanatical for my taste. However, part of the reason for receiving it includes to force me to search my soul and expand my boundaries. I am selective of the issues I read, and even more selective of the message I incorporate or adopt for myself.  I have searched for other devotionals, but so far, have not found one suited for what I want.

Recently, the devotional I do receive has consisted of a series of quotes from Viktor Frankl http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viktor_Frankl.  I remember, years ago, reading his book:  Man's Search for Meaning.  (It has been a long time, however.)  When I started working at the prison, I was reminded about that book, and the meaning it's message can have for the patients. I really need to read that book again.

Recently, I have worked with a large number patients who have very long sentences, and are stressing over this.  Additionally, uniquely, they have been, if not well educated, at least intelligent enough to conceptualize and think abstractly and existentially.  I have referred several to Man's Search for Meaning.  Recently, I spoke to a patient who had recently read the book. While he acknowledged he "got it," he also indicated he could not really generalize it to his situation. I understand this. That is why just reading a book is not the answer for patients. They need the perspective and reflection that a counselor can provide, along with exploring the meaning of the book.  Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, counseling availability where I work is minimal.

However, something is better than nothing, and I am reminded of how important Frankl's work truly is.

This Was Meant to Be

I decided to run some errands today.  Although Saturday is my usual shopping day, and I did go shopping yesterday, there were some things I wanted.  In the parking lot, I was approached by a woman who was asking for a handout. I do not usually give money, but asked her if she could use something to eat.  She said sandwich meat and bread, so I bought some for her, along with a bottle of mustard, and lettuce.

When I left the store, she was no where around. I even wandered around my car for a bit, looking for her.  I did not see her, nor hear her hail me. Nothing. 

Oh well, I do not usually eat white bread sandwiches, but I bought the food thinking this might happen, and it would not go to waste.

I had a book to drop off at the library.  Many Sundays, I go to the main branch, as the branch near me is not open.  But I have 4 other books to read, and did not need to go to the library to get a book, so I used the drop box at the branch near me.

He was sitting on the sidewalk, with his stroller full of stuff.  I had seen him hanging around the main library, when the homeless hung out their regularly.  They have been more or less chased away, now.  He was just sitting there, minding his own business.  He said nothing to me.  I started to return to the car, then went back to ask him if he could use some sandwich fixings.  He was a little hesitant, but said "I guess so."  I got the bread, meat and mustard for him.  The meat will not last long in this heat, but the lettuce would go away very fast.  I hope he can use the food. When I drove away he was staring in the bag, opening and closing it, I think, in surprise. Coincidence? I do not think so. I did not know it at the time, but I did not buy that food for the woman in the parking lot. I bought it for that man.

Better Reading

On Facebook, a friend posted a list of 100 classic books, to see how many we had read.  I could mark 22 for sure.  Some of the titles were so familiar, I was sure I had read them.  But I was trying to be honest with my self.

I had decided a while back to try to vary my reading and get some non-fiction books.  I read one non-fiction book since then.  I have 5 mysteries sitting in the house now, 4 by one author.  I like to read series in order.

I think I want to work on more classics, too. Even if I read one this summer, one is better than none.

Parade and the Fourth of July Festival

Lubbock had an Independence Day parade today, and I attended it.   A Lubbock parade is an unusual creature.  There are few, if any bands.  Today, there was a drum line.  After the parade, there was going to be a festival of mostly music and food, and one of the music venues played recorded patriotic music for much of the parade.  Some of the "floats" included people who were singing.  One of the floats included acrobats performing.

Just about anything qualifies as an entry in the Lubbock parade: Elected or local celebratory individuals of all kinds riding in convertibles; official vehicles from city, state, county, hospital, school entities; vehicles representing churches, schools and businesses; some were real "floats."  Most were decorated vehicles, or vehicles pulling decorated or not decorated flat-bed trailers.  The street sweepers follow the horse group entries. 

Last year, very little was thrown to the participants, and someone said the practice was being discouraged. This year, candy, bagged snacks, T-shirts, wristbands, and flyers were distributed to the crowd.  It was a little more festive with these additions.

I was really distressed when the parade began, and the honor guard came by. This consisted of multiple military groups with flags, each including the American flag.  Only some of us stood and saluted the flag.  I do not blame the children, but I wish the adults knew better.  It was the young adults, probably under 40, who did not stand. This is very disrespectful.

One of the entries to the parade was AeroCare, the air ambulance of the area.  The helicopter flew over twice, which was a nice touch.  I saw the county tactical response vehicle (bombs, SWAT, etc) which I did not know existed, and the county mobile headquarters vehicle, which I vaguely knew existed but had not bothered to consider what it looked like. Someone in the audience commented that he did not know there was a Miss Lubbock County pageant, until Miss Lubbock County went by in a convertible.  (I did not know there was a Miss Lubbock County pageant, either.)

The other distressing thing to me about the parade was the end.  The final entries had not passed us, and spectators were already flooding the street in front of us.  The four motorcylce cops bringing up the rear of the parade were not enough to prevent this. It was not dangerous, particularly, but it was disrespectful of the participants. 

But I saw a lot of disrespect in the spectators this year.  Late comers crowding into areas already occupied by spectators. People standing in front of a spectators, without regard to the fact those seated behind them had been there before the standees arrived. People grabbing gifts from in front of other people.  I had a bag of chips grabbed away from me. My reaction to grab the chips was more defensive than acquisitional.  I think someone saw that because a few seconds later, a bag of chips landed on my shoulder.

The parade was just a parade.  It was okay. It celebrated the country and the service people: military, government, safety and first responders.  So that was good.

The festival was okay.  I think they should bring in a carnival of rides, and have craft and hobby booths as well as food and music, but no one asked me.

I spent most of the day at one particular music venue.  They had jazz, the Westwinds Brass Band, mariachi music (two different groups played, and one played twice), ballet folklorica dancing, the women's barbshop chorus, and an easy listening ensemble.  During the ballet folkorica, I took a break, and got a drink and lunch.  The rest of the time, I sat under the tent, listened and enjoyed the music, and knitted.

I also got to spend some time with a dear friend, which was a bonus.  We were going to go kayaking, but the wind was gusting up 27 MPH, and when it gets above 20 MPH, I try to stay off the lake.

I have already blogged about the fireworks and the cats. The fireworks have calmed down, which is a blessing.

Oh Crap, It's Monday!

I really did not mind that it is Monday.  Monday is a work day, and I have a job that pays the bills, gives me some personal satisfaction, is generally likeable, and I can do with some sense of mastery.  So, going to work is not the worst thing to have to do in my life.

But this morning, when the alarm went off, I shut it off, and rolled over.  And went back to sleep.  Until I woke up an hour and a half later, got my bearings and realized I had to be at work in about an hour.  Which is not a problem.  I can usually do what I need to do to get ready and leave for work in about 45 minutes.  Which I did today.

But, it was the total lack of awareness, at 5:30 AM, when my alarm first goes off, that I had to go to work.   I know why.  My last social interaction of Sunday was to bid goodbye to some friends, after we had shared plans for the 4th of July holiday.  So upper most in my mind was the holiday, not work.

Does that happen to you? Something you have said or done sets your mind and you go that way, without even realizing it.  We are very suggestible creatures, and what we think really influences our actions and responses to life.  We know that, but we do not always protect ourselves against that.

Maybe we need to be more mindful in our lives.